Bitch on the Blog

June 30, 2010

For whom the bell tolls

Filed under: Despair,Happiness,Human condition — bitchontheblog @ 04:49

gaelikaa has dubbed me “The Queen of Suicide Blues”. Quite poetic.

Let’s, for sake of argument, assume that someone is on the brink: I’d have thought the best course of action would be NOT to draw the possibility of suicide to their attention. As to methods of killing yourself, gaelikaa, look no further. Do not google, just ask me. I believe Sylvia Plath put her head into a gas oven. For reasons I haven’t contemplated yet it was the preferred method for women back in the Sixties. Better than a handful of rubbish drugs and a bottle of high percentage.

Men, on the whole, are good at committing suicide successfully. They use sure-fire methods, such as guns, to blow their brains out.

However, if you want to spare your loved ones’ feelings you will have to kill yourself surreptiously. It’s like the perfect crime: No one will know. Putting your head into a gas oven is obvious, crashing your car into a tree less so (incidentally we have a most magnificent tree lined road on the way to Blandford Forum) .  Drinking yourself to death is a rather slow method since it’s amazing how much abuse the human body can take (think George Best and, my dead hot favourite, Keith Richards. That Ozzy Osbourne of Black Sabbath fame is still standing and reasonably coherent when talking is testimony that if you want to succeed in killing yourself you need to try harder).

Some people disillusion your view of them by the way they go. Some people confirm your view of them by the way they go. As to the latter Hemingway springs to mind. I admire Virginia Woolf. She had style: Fill the pockets of your jacket with stones and wade into water.

I myself draw the line at imbibing antifreeze or weedkiller. Only those who lack imagination will resort to them. And whilst my night job is that of a spy I had it written into my contract that I am NOT prepared to carry a capsule that comes with the job description. I might bite on it accidentally and then gaelikaa will think I did away with myself deliberately.


PS Footnote to Sylvia Plath: One does not kill oneself when one has children. It’s bloody selfish.



  1. So what sorts of things cheer you up? It is too bad you weren’t nicknamed sUnny instead of sonny.

    Comment by Looney — June 30, 2010 @ 05:00 | Reply

    • So gratifying when people take in detail instead of just skimming. Yes, funny sUnny.

      What cheers me up, Looney? Everything, even WHEN I am down in the dumps. To me life is a hoot. Not in a ha-ha-ha isn’t it all so funny way. I just marvel that I am here at all. If you go back to basics and think of that one sperm out of millions hitting that one egg at the right time – resulting in you – you stop computing your chances at winning the lottery. What you do is leg it on a Saturday late afternoon with your ‘lucky’ numbers. Not that my son approves of my apparent wasting money. It could be worse. I could gamble – and lose.

      I am of a very lucky temperament – at least in my perception – in that I see the tiniest detail of that which is great. At the same time I refuse to deny that – occasionally – life is shit. It’s got to be acknowledged. Rose tinted spectacles will not change reality. I’d say to anyone: Take off your glasses, see the world for what it is, open the door to your garden, take in the detail and smell whatever flower has just blossomed. That way happiness lies.

      To return the favour: What does cheer you up?


      Comment by bitchontheblog — June 30, 2010 @ 05:37 | Reply

    • You ask Ursula “What sorts of things cheer you up?”
      WTH (What The Hell ) sort of things cheer YOU up?

      U. writes a whole post on suicide & I LOL through the whole thing. That cheers me up.

      Comment by bikehikebabe — June 30, 2010 @ 14:46 | Reply

  2. I tend to flow along in a fairly constant state of contentment. What cheers me up? When positive things are happening in my church. When I get a good photo of a critter. And maybe when I finish some long and painful exercise event that takes most of the day. Having my kids back home is another.

    By the way, are there two Ursulas? A gloom and doom one, and a separate one that dwells on life’s tiniest detail and believes it to be great? I am a contrarian, so normally feign something that is the opposite of what is going on around me so that it can appear quite inconsistent to someone who observes me over time.

    Comment by Looney — June 30, 2010 @ 05:55 | Reply

    • I love ‘critters’ and ‘kids’.

      Don’t you start too: Two Ursulas? For all I know there might be three or four of me. Maybe more.

      You are a “contrarian”. Looney, Looney – quite contrary. Doesn’t rhyme. A few times in my life I have played devil’s advocate. Which is amusing (to me), though nearly cost me one of my best friends when he found out that I was just playing a game. He was so mad with me he was crying. The others didn’t talk to me any longer – for five minutes. The fallout was quite something – there must have been a dozen of us aged between 18 and 20. However, and Ashok in training might appreciate this as any philosopher does: Playing devil’s advocate does sharpen the mind.


      Comment by bitchontheblog — June 30, 2010 @ 10:19 | Reply

      • I have noticed that you are able to see the funny side…. People find me very agravating if I am of a mind to be calm when everyone else is being panicky or if I laugh at times that others find inappropriate ….. I laughed at a funeral a while back… I rememberer how the crematee used to put me in my place by out doing me in confidence at being right! The thought just amused me…

        Rose tinted specs might help you if you suffer from migraine. I took off my glasses and everything became blurred. Sort of Impressionistic hazy… now that is a thought.

        Comment by magpie11 — June 30, 2010 @ 11:39 | Reply

    • Obverse and reverse…depends on which way up she lands when she rolls out of bed in the morning.

      Comment by magpie11 — June 30, 2010 @ 11:41 | Reply

  3. Resume by Dorothy Parker

    Razors pain you;
    Rivers are damp;
    Acids stain you
    and drugs cause cramp.
    Guns aren’t lawful;
    Nooses give;
    gas smells awful;
    You might as well live.

    Ursula, I’m glad you have a child and wouldn’t contemplate giving him the pain of losing you to suicide.

    When someone talks like this I take them seriously and if needs be will ask the question straight out.

    Comment by gaelikaa — June 30, 2010 @ 10:59 | Reply

  4. Back in Plath’s day the gas was coal gas and contained carbon monoxide…nowadays it’s methane mixed with a stinking headache inducing compound for Elf and safety so if you tried suffocating yourself some one would smell it! I can tell anyone how to use natural gas for suicide or murder if they really wish me to…I don’t think I will though.

    I wonder if Eeyore had a wife or a mistress to share his gloom… I bet her name would have been Sunny.

    Comment by magpie11 — June 30, 2010 @ 11:30 | Reply

  5. Ursula, I’ve come back to see how you are. You okay?

    Comment by gaelikaa — July 2, 2010 @ 21:02 | Reply

    • Gaelikaa, you are so adorable. We all love you. U.’s post on suicide made me laugh it’s so funny. Loved all the references. Your comment (“You okay?”) is funny & sweet. The maternal Mama Bear comes out in you.

      I don’t mean not to take anyone seriously who might do such a thing.
      Ursula you aren’t really going to do yourself in, & leave us with all the other blogs which are so unlike yours?

      Comment by bikehikebabe — July 2, 2010 @ 22:54 | Reply

  6. Ursula, since you moonlight as a Russian Spy, can you give us any insights into this latest news about the Russians spies who were just caught in the US? From what I am hearing so far, they were proceeding with all the finesse of Johnny English or Maxwell Smart. My theory is that it is all some sort of Ruse, and they are actually working for KAOS. Getting caught was clearly part of the plan, but I still haven’t figured out what the real plan is.

    Comment by Looney — July 3, 2010 @ 02:49 | Reply

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