Bitch on the Blog

January 11, 2011

Slip sliding away

Filed under: Communication,Despair,Happiness — bitchontheblog @ 15:05
Tags: , , , , , ,

Had long telephone conversation with my father yesterday afternoon. The guy is a miracle. Few in my life have the gift of enchanting and enfuriating me with their intellect – in equal measure – as he does. I shall miss him. Not that he is in any hurry to go anywhere soon – considering I am his eldest and my parents started very young he might still be dancing on my grave. AND I WON’T BE ABLE TO ANSWER BACK. And if he says so much as utter an appreciative word in an obituary kind of way I shall have to raise from the dead.

Why am I talking about my father? No idea. I could talk about my mother. She is like BHB minus a computer. Like Jean, she only has so much patience with your woes: “Haven’t you got any GOOD news?” Gee, thanks. I just gave them to you.

Anyway, easily side tracked today’s stunning insights are related to forthcoming Chinese New Year: Since I only know my own birth year and that of BHB and none of your others I can only speculate. Is there a Dragon amongst you? A rabbit? A snake? A horse? Ah, I know who the horse is. A swine, a swindler, a fake? A saint? A car mechanic?

Be that as it may and please do not let vanity stay in the way of honesty by fessing up I give you the ideal companion to Conrad’s dung beetle as interpreted by Wrong Feng Shui: Remember dung beetles are NOT popular and whilst I am undecided whether we prefer equals or opposites to complement our set I give you: “No one likes earwigs. Even other earwigs avoid the company of an earwig. They are wriggly characters who scurry about scaring small children. They are also very good at spreading rumours. If gossip (remember, gaelikaa?) is a perennial problem at your workplace, find out if any of your colleagues are earwigs and confront them with your suspicions. Earwigs should be watched carefully at all times . They should never be left alone with cake. The plus points of earwigs are that they are good at hiding and will survive after a nuclear war.” So that’s anyone born in 1925 , 1937, 1945, 1957, 1969.  Start looking for your dung beetle now and live in moist companionship here and thereafter. I’ll give you directions to the dung heap. Just remember I easily confuse right and left.

I sincerely hope that we have a Cutlery Tray Insert in our midst, and I quote: “People born in the year of the cutlery tray insert tend to be anally retentive. For them everything has a place, and everything should be in its place. Leave even a hair out of place in the environs of a cutlery tray insert and they’ll be down on you like a ton of bricks. An exceedingly neatly stacked ton of bricks. These people tend to be vociferous defenders of the status quo. They also keep gloves in the glove department of their cars. Never marry a cutlery tray insert. Your life will be intolerable. And any children you have will grow up to be serial killers.” (1935, 1947,1959, 1971)

Condolences if you were born in the year of the grout: “Grouts are even more unappealing to look at than shrubs. They are the least exciting people you could hope to meet. Having said that, groutings serve a vital purpose in society. They help to stick things together. They are the people who work unobtrusively behind the scenes to bind diverse humanity into a coherent (w)hole. For this reason grouts make good interpreters, marriage guidance counsellors and waiters”.

I wish I were an Artichoke, alas I am not: “Artichokes are odd characters. They don’t fit in. They also tend to worry the rest of the world. Not many people know how to deal with them. For this reason artichokes are often ignored. However, if you can find a way through an artichoke’s spiky exterior, you will find a surprisingly tender heart. Eeyore was an artichoke. Artichokes are afraid of melted butter.” (1928, 1940, 1952, 1964)

Yeah, well, in your quest of ‘know thyself’ more on application.

I subscribe to Feng Shui’s unstable table of life stating that tables with even lengths legs create a false sense of security. Shortening one leg  and watching your dinner slowly sliding into your lap will provide you with a most instructive metaphor about the mess life is.

Charmed, I am sure,




  1. Woop de Woop!

    I’m a NImbus!! (1910,1922,1934,1946,1958,1970)

    Here is another sample of the Wisdom of Master Eu Plon Ka

    Try to ensure that your front door is at the edge of your home. Internal front doors are bad Wrong Shui.

    Thank you so much for this post! You beat me to it! I was going to post A Lesson From The Master( the one following De-Clutter).

    Comment by Magpie 11 — January 11, 2011 @ 20:42 | Reply

  2. Fluffy, are you?

    Feng shui – it was all I needed some years back. I implored cats to cut through chi at floor level, I bought gold fish, I was inconsolabe that house (at the time) was at a T-junction. I counted my blessings that I don’t belong to the cursed cottage owner brigade with wooden beams running the width and breadth of their ceilings. I wondered whether we could do away with flushing toilets and dig a hole in the garden instead (make it round). When it comes to mirrors you don’t want to go there. Best ban them and jingle some windchimes instead. Does wonders for your nerves but at least you won’t turn into Dorian Gray. A cactus is a no-no for a happy home and should be donated to your local orphange forthwith.

    Please do post your own wisdom as gleaned from The Master, Magpie. Paranoia needs feeding – otherwise it solidifies into neurosis.

    Oh, yes, before I forget: There was also a graveyard round the corner. The dead refused to move. So I did instead.


    Comment by bitchontheblog — January 11, 2011 @ 21:28 | Reply

  3. I tried digging a hole in the garden. Found out coyotes will eat anything.
    I’ve been without a modem for 6 days. maybe no one will read this.

    Comment by bikehikebabe — January 11, 2011 @ 23:24 | Reply

    • What do you mean, Bike Hike Babe, no one will read this? I have been thirsting for a sign of life from you. Imagining you in some god forsaken iced over lake in Sweden after a sauna (a combination which would guarantee immediate heart failure in yours truly) or maybe you having followed Jean’s SatNav across the continent called America trying to save those four minutes (I still haven’t recovered from her four comparison routes – what are four minutes in the scheme of about 22 hours? And what if you need the loo or hit a deer or roadworks? Or your watch is slow? Or you run out of petrol? Jean does not know this but that post of hers has traumatized me. Am now determined to never employ SatNav, instead using old fashioned map even if I do end up in Timbuktu. Suppose I could drop in at Ramanas and sort out him and his handbags.)

      Anyway good to have you back. Even if you are a Malibu: “Malibus are hopelessly unhip. Unfortunately, in their own minds, they are the very essence of the word trendy. They even describe themselves as trendy in the endless adverts they keep composing. Malibus like to think of themselves as the life and the soul of the party. Even if there isn’t a party. And if you finally convince them that there isn’t a party going on, they’ll invite you to ‘The party in my pants!’ (Malibus always use exclamation marks when then speak). (Also when they think.) Most malibus are men. Female malibus are scary beyond words. Never let a malibu start a conversation with a flange.” (That’s me – you have been warned!)


      Comment by bitchontheblog — January 12, 2011 @ 00:29 | Reply

  4. Thanks!

    Comment by rapidshare free premium account — January 12, 2011 @ 02:40 | Reply

  5. I cheerfully admit my version of Descartes would be, “I play therefore I am,”…keeping in mind my brain is my favorite toy. What would your version be?

    The whole point of those maps is it doesn’t make much difference which of the routes one chooses. They’re all within experimental/theoretical error.

    I too am glad bikehikebabe is back. I knew why she was gone and still missed her.

    Comment by Cheerful Monk — January 12, 2011 @ 03:54 | Reply

  6. According to my year of birth in the Chinese calendar, which is too shocking to be told here, I am a Rooster.

    The rooster likes to be noticed and flattered. He dresses a little flashily with this in mind, but in his heart, he is completely conservative. Roosters always appear attractive and beautifully turned out. They are sociable and love to receive attention.

    All Roosters are extremely conscious about clothing and appearance. They may appear conservative but are obsessed with their look – they can spend hours standing in front of the mirrors and will not even wink when they spend $500 for a dress. That doesn’t mean they don’t care about money, in fact, they love to compare prices and even if the bargain is only few cents or few dollars cheaper, they will be satisfied.

    This is so TOTALLY me, especially the part about dressing flashily & standing in front of the mirror for hours.

    Comment by bikehikebabe — January 12, 2011 @ 04:19 | Reply

  7. like me

    Comment by johnny — January 13, 2011 @ 04:36 | Reply

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