Bitch on the Blog

January 27, 2011

Can’t wait

Filed under: Friends — bitchontheblog @ 13:43


Sweety Pies,

make that Cornish Pasties which I am fond of when done to perfection.

Awful truth, not to be disclosed to son and wider family if you please: I am done. No, I am NOT done, DONE. I am OVERDONE, fried to a cinder, burnt, and not fit for consumption. I only tell you because Jean told us that she is an Earth rabbit.  And human relations thrive on reciprocity and being open with each other. I cannot believe it myself but the slope is slippery: I don’t know how many hours in the last 48 I have laboured under impression it’s FRIDAY. Had good sense to verify this with son (yesterday lunchtime) who told me it’s Wednesday.

Am I losing the plot? Let’s be honest: I am losing the plot. Can you imagine me anticipating, with joy in my heart, three o’clock of a Friday afternoon on a WEDNESDAY. Don’t think I am joking. The joke is on me. This is what my life has come to: One of the higher points of my week being the consortium’s Friday offerings? Please do NOT send condolences at my current dishwater lest I think tomorrow is NEXT week’s Friday.

It’s awful.  Am disappointed with myself. And I truly hope that Con’s current assignment will keep his grey cells in good marching order, not least for him to still have faculty to visit the rest of us in a smelly care home not THAT close to him. Jean has accepted job as my assistant in all matters personal; you may find me either dumped out of my wheelchair somewhere in the bushes or on the slab – should she run out of patience. Which is unlikely;  but people will surprise you. If she does [run out of patience] I hope BHB will be waiting BEHIND the bushes and, her hip replacements not withstanding, pick up my remains waving to a reluctant GM to give her a hand.

Magpie I shall rely on for generous offerings of white grapes ( I prefer them to red and like them chilled) as long as I can still swallow, and him making considered choice on what bouquet would be most befitting at my demise. It’s what I find irritating at funerals: People will spend a fortune at sending flowers you can’t enjoy – make mine Sunflowers or Gardenias. (Magpie knows that I hate white lilies because they stink and leave a stain on your shirt should you brush against the stem). I will NOT, fancifully, ponder in wake of my last bracket who of you will spare no expense and turn up at my funeral with bunches of stinking white lilies.





  1. That’s not bad going…I have been convinced that today is Friday since I woke this morning and hav eonly just realise that it’s Thursday. This often happens to me and I find pleasure in the realisation that I have one more day than I thought in which to annoy people!

    As for flowers at one’s passing. I am having a dandelion and maybe will have a packet of seeds distributed to every one who attends….

    I say! I’ve got Lilys in my dustbin
    How doe you know they are Lily?
    ‘Cos Lily’s wearing ’em.

    Comment by Magpie 11 — January 27, 2011 @ 14:38 | Reply

    • Just come in Magpie. It is so COLD out there – or maybe I should be wearing warmer clothes. Objectively, it probably isn’t [that cold]. But the chill factor is quite fantastic – as it tends to be close to the coast. I’ve shut off part of my brain which remembers my son being out there till nine o’clock this evening collecting for MacMillan. Hope he remembered to take his coat and WEAR it. NOTE TO SELF: Extol on motherhood.

      Good, good, not that I follow your reasoning, but have taken note that it’s Thursday today. You, Magpie – a member of the Consortium – remember it’s FRIDAY tomorrow.

      Find you there then.

      As to “annoy people”: How do you do it? Is it easy? Is it cumbersome? Why do people allow themselves to get annoyed? How do we know what annoys any of those we want to annoy? Would those of us who annoy do so if nuisance stood right in front of us, had no brain and weighed about twice as much my slender self? …


      Comment by bitchontheblog — January 27, 2011 @ 16:06 | Reply

      • Say to the annoying person,” Do you TRY to be annoying or does it come naturally?”

        Comment by bikehikebabe — January 27, 2011 @ 16:54 | Reply

        • It comes naturally, BHB. And I am still trying.


          Comment by bitchontheblog — January 27, 2011 @ 17:16 | Reply

          • I find my husband annoying because he doesn’t agree with me–ever. I’m annoying because I say, “Oh SHUT UP.”

            Comment by bikehikebabe — January 27, 2011 @ 17:23 | Reply

            • Can’t remember this moment who said something along the lines of each marriage having its own mystery.

              It’s true. Each marriage has its own secret – one not even your children will be able to figure out. I once advised my mother to divorce my father. It was a ruse – alarm having been raised to me by sister with (then unborn) Italian named children. I knew a little about life then (age 19), nothing about marriage.

              Dear god in heaven, Cynthia: Did my mother turn on ME? Did she get out of her bed faster than I could say: Well, don’t [divorce him] then? You bet. My name was mud. Years later she told my youngest sister that I’d suggested my parents to divorce. In order to imagine the fall out THEN you’d need to know my youngest sister. The one who looks like gaelikaa. Well, angels do not fall from heaven.


              Comment by bitchontheblog — January 27, 2011 @ 17:54 | Reply

  2. Today is (((THURSDAY))). Wait *ONE* day & THEN look for the Consortium.

    Comment by bikehikebabe — January 27, 2011 @ 15:19 | Reply

  3. Get used to it. Some of us do that all the time. It reminds me of the woman who phoned to berate her newspaper because her Sunday paper didn’t come. When she wound down and stopped ranting the gal at the other end of the phone said, “But, Ma’am, today is Saturday. We don’t deliver on Saturdays.” The woman answered, “Oh, crap! That’s probably why there was no one at church today, too.”

    Comment by Cheerful Monk — January 27, 2011 @ 18:59 | Reply

  4. By the way, I’ve ordered myself a gardenia plant that should be delivered sometime in March. It’s guaranteed to give a month of fragrance. My mother hated gardenias because they reminded her of funerals. I love the smell and figure I should enjoy it while I’m still tottering around.

    Comment by Cheerful Monk — January 27, 2011 @ 21:41 | Reply

    • I ordered it a week or so ago, so we’re at least partially on the same wavelength. 🙂

      Comment by Cheerful Monk — January 27, 2011 @ 21:51 | Reply

      • Dear Jean, I hope your gardenia will arrive in good shape and live up to your expectation.

        I meant to say ‘Gerbera’. They are, in shape, similar to sunflowers which are my dead hot favourites. Unfortunately they are also unaffordable.

        Mind plays tricks: Gardenia is one of my friend’s (the gay guy) favourite flowers. Never got to bottom of why. A lot is made, in literature, of smell: Mothers kissing their children, already in bed, good night a minute before they go out – can’t remember my mother’s perfume. I believe my father bought her ‘Arpege’, late Sixties, early Seventies. Not sure.

        I am partial to aftershave (not on me). Though, on the whole, I do wear mens’ scent. It sticks better on me.


        Comment by Ursula — January 28, 2011 @ 02:42 | Reply

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