Bitch on the Blog

February 8, 2011

Seeing double – Day Three

Production is running into mild headache: Director hasn’t shown up (who IS the director?); cast on strike (what’s wrong with people? No one is too old to play); production assistant (that’s Jean when she isn’t understudying) has made veiled allusions. Jean is the queen of ambiguity and will get top billing.  This baby is having teething troubles, that’s all – soon it’ll be on its feet ransacking the place. Give a play a chance. If Tennessee Williams had drowned his pen in a bottle of whiskey before hitting the keyboard we wouldn’t have A Streetcar named Desire, would we?  Once the show is running and the awards put on the mantelpiece everyone shall be as happy as I am most the time. Particularly the sound engineer.

Yes, Tennessee Williams – let’s hope Conrad’s character won’t accuse That Woman of having “illusions of grandeur” by her mentioning names. However, to keep Conrad in type – and I do believe in method acting – maybe he should know that I have a most wonderful shot of TW – languidly reposed, holding a cigarette as only he can – hanging on my wall (lovingly framed by myself). The reason I am telling you this is because Con will need all the amunition he can get to see That Woman swinging on the rope; and never shall it be said that I am anything but generous. As an aside to production assistant: Since leading man needs to be kept happy at all times please tick off points on  his echo box list as we go along. Do alert me to any omissions. No, not now – towards the end of the week.

To add to difficulty, and all finance for this project might now be withdrawn,  Court Jester has put about – on the internet of all places – that That Woman suffers from Alzheimers. I know, BHB, it was a mix up (what sort of non-friends do you keep) but still, remember, once you’ve got a reputation it’ll stick to you like a feather will to freshly poured tar. Will leave production assistant (PA) to deal with fallout (that’s the press office). They say bad press is better than no press. No it isn’t. It’s shite.

So yes, if we do have to tighten budget, roles and duties will have to be doubled up. Which means, particularly as current sound engineer is already freaked out by the threat of all those echos he has to put into the can, that Con will not only lead but has to catch those echoes with his extra large holes butterfly net himself.

The leading lady, no, not That Woman, but Con’s trouper, GM, has to put down her lace trimmed handkerchief, stop snivelling, get off her white stallion and start talking to the script writer; GM will also double as wardrobe lady (under benign guidance of Nick, the stylist). I know this is a risky strategy and That Woman might put her foot down and say that Wardrobe Lady will come nowhere near her with all those pins to take in her dress round the waist. That Woman does not like to be pricked (by accident). It’s bad enough that the rope is waiting.

That’s it: We need a hangman. I won’t give this to The Stylist since he is of a sensitive disposition and I believe it cruel to cast people against type.  Hangman, let me think. Hangman. More difficult to find in the current lineup than I thought. Maybe That Woman could hang herself. Underneath all that brisk exterior she is a very considerate person and wouldn’t want anyone to put themselves out for her. I’ll leave that for now. PA to remind me later.

The person my heart goes out to is the one who has landed the honourable role of traffic police, that’s Looney. It’s an awful job, really. Trying to send people in the right direction without them getting all huffy. There he is: Funny Looney on his little traffic island, dashing uniform, Plato at the ready should he have to deal with someone obnoxious who insists on turning right when they shouldn’t; just convert  him into a barnacle or her into a cabbage, Looney. Brings a little tear of affection to my hardnosed producer’s eye.

Talking of tears. Poor old Magpie. All he ever dreamt of was to be cast as a little twittering bird in the woods of Humperdinck’s ‘Hansel and Gretel’, only to find himself on a forest clearing like an extra from the Italian Job. Well, Magpie, whilst we are waiting for Clint Eastwood to clean shoot that rope at the last minute, you may twitter to your heart’s delight and sweeten the last moments of That Woman. Just don’t forget to rev up the engine. I put my life into your, my PA’s  (and Clint Eastwood’s) hands.

Can’t afford cameo of Monte Christo – Am sure Ashok will do amicably well instead. He is not averse to spilling blood but am afraid we’ll have to make do with ketchup. Just as bad to get out in the wash.

I am not letting gaelikaa off lightly by not allocating her a second duty. Keeping a faithful record of shenanigans on set is hard. And the nursery is empty.  Ramana, well, I don’t know, big sigh, what else to do with the man. Maybe we could put him into a tent during intervals and let him read our tealeaves. Barath, don’t know his size, therefore am not sure whether worth their while could – after having given evidence for the prosecution –  be thrown to any wolves passing through the forest whilst court in session. It would make a nice back drop and keep younger viewers on their seats.

Let’s break up for lunch. We’ll continue later. And please do come up with suggestions, however absurd, to help move this show along. The only idea I will not entertain is to let the curtain fall.




  1. I am completely lost! As for Hansel and Gretel: I never did know that story. I have never Tweeted in my life and do not intend to start now. Not a Twitter will be heard from me.

    If you really need a Sound Engineer that’s my job… I have all the microphones and access to all the necessary mixers, amps, speakers, effects units and DI boxes too! Then I can sit at the back and watch the proceedings in safety.

    I really do not know what you people are up to you know. Do you?

    I’m glad you didn’t suggest that I should have the part of Tinkerbell…… or even Peter Pan.

    Comment by Magpie 11 — February 8, 2011 @ 22:17 | Reply

  2. U,
    You seem to think of yourself as being picked on. I see you more like Snoopy in this cartoon:

    Comment by Cheerful Monk — February 8, 2011 @ 22:35 | Reply

  3. Shush Cheerful Monk. Don’t pick on our Producer & Star Player who will in the end, hang herself. This will be the best production ever. There’s a top notch writer here.

    I’m sitting in the empty, at present, auditorium as a 2nd-class director. I want to see a lot of drama. Plenty of ketchup. With Drama Queen writer & ass. Drama Queen as 2nd-class director (me), I think this will be a smash hit & get good press. Surely The New Yorker will review it. Cheerful monk will do the cartoons. She draws the best on her blogs & The New Yorker needs better cartoons.

    Comment by bikehikebabe — February 9, 2011 @ 00:10 | Reply

    • I love a good farce. I’m laughing in anticipation. 😀

      Comment by Cheerful Monk — February 9, 2011 @ 07:05 | Reply

  4. U, I assure you that I will never tire of directing people to drive on the Right side of the road.

    Comment by Looney — February 9, 2011 @ 01:46 | Reply

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