Bitch on the Blog

February 10, 2011

Closing down

Filed under: Communication,Uncategorized — bitchontheblog @ 14:52

Do you know about touchstones?

I do. They are the foundation I am built on. That’s other people.

Am pretty down in the mouth this minute. Maybe the grey which has descended over Southampton harbour. Not sure. Doesn’t matter. Might just be responding to one of Con’s echo box points – the one where he sends you off to the lunatic asylum. I wondered about Con’s echo box – a lot. Didn’t understand anything. Magpie – a better man than myself admitted to it; I just read it read it read it and then bloody reread it again. Naturally, before I could give my crappy pound worth of nothing I became That Woman. If I understand people like Conrad I certainly do not know how. At the time of reading – apart from being taken in by his lyrical prose – I had no idea he was referring to me. Maybe he wasn’t. Though there is now implication he was. It’s all rather cryptic – neither did I, until now, understand GM on and off wailing about people being blind and deaf. GM, I might be blind without my glasses but I am not deaf. I hear you despite you not saying anything.

Conrad is a mystery to me. One moment he will be writing a moving piece on his daughter’s highs and lows, the next he will stamp on me like he does on one of his dung beetles.

My education – and I really can’t let down either parents or son – prohibit that I say it and put it down in writing as I see it, the consortium, hangers on, groupies including myself. Be glad. And, oh, what you are missing. The only one who has the pleasure is myself. Written down in longhand – in pencil, to fade away with time.

So, Jean, sorry, there will be no farce. My encounter with some of this circle has  not been one of the finer episodes of my life. You ask me whether I feel picked upon. I don’t know. Don’t think so. What I do feel is hurt and misunderstood. Not a tragedy. Happens. I have met a Con and a GM  and wonder about myself: Am I really such a shit person? Who are THEY to JUDGE me anyway? You know what the Cons and GMs in your life do – if you took them seriously, which unfortunately I do: They try and pull the rug from under your feet. For reasons I do not understand.

Still, mustn’t be unfair. They are not alone in their assessment of me. Others of you have chimed in  making me out to be some aggressive harpie. I am not. I am outspoken. Apart from a couple of blunders, not least that shit remark I made about Nick the other day – completely uncalled for, and I apologize to him – I only attack opinions, not people. It’s something that appears to be completely lost on most of you.

What’s staggering, and the group dynamics are worth studying, there do not seem to be any REDEEMING characteristics to me as far as you are concerned. NONE. I can’t go over every single comment/post whatever I have written – and I am sure a lot of them leave something to be desired. But I do put myself into every single one; and surely there must be more to me than that which is not so good.

Thing is, and it’s sad although again it doesn’t matter (after all in GM’s immortal words I can just go and find another playground) that I meant well. I always do.

Where it all started to go wrong at first, and why do none of you remember this –  instead pointing a finger at me, when Conrad doubted everything about me, including my integrity. He accused me of lying, he said I might be a man (there’s your barnacle, Looney). To doubt my integrity is possibly the worst insult – to me – ever. How does Conrad get away with it?

Now he tells me I want center stage. Well, Con, let’s be honest. That’s what people do. Even GM with her sparse one liners. There is nothing wrong with it.

Anyway, mustn’t inflict myself upon you any longer. I am upset. And I have had it.

I knew blogging isn’t my medium. I only started this blog egged on by Con. A lot of stuff has been written on the pitfalls of emails and blogging if you don’t know the person writing and/or worse, if you are not in front of them: You can’t see the smile, the frown. You can’t hear the inflection.  As a sender you are dependent on the good will of the recipient. In fact, to go back to GM, you are traipsing around in the dark. No more so than with people like myself who convey themselves very much via a gesture, the me standing in front of you.

Still, and believe me I do bear this in mind: Con and GM were not the only ones to take offence. Though, to use one of Jean’s phrases, I firmly believe some of you need to loosen up or – more to the point – I should just leave it. In many ways it’s a pity. I like  all of you. I like Conrad. A lot. His prose is convulated most of the time but he is a good guy. Of that there is no doubt. Us rubbing each other up the wrong way was all there in the making – in an enjoyable way. Or maybe I am now ticking Con’s echo box marked “Delusional”. Don’t know. Pity it was not to be.

This blog is now fucked big time because I find it hard to be myself any longer, to write without looking over my shoulder. This blog was addressed to that small handful of you know who you are. Now it’s spoilt.  This is my one last Herculean effort to blend out all those who tell me whatever it is I should or not should say. Conrad may take all this in evidence for what exactly? What were you trying to achieve, Conrad? Score brownie points for being superior? You know perfectly well that I injected some oxygen into various blogs via my comments. What is so difficult to live with it? Any circle needs different impulses. Why have a go at me – at such a fundamental personal level going right down there where I, Ursula, am? I might be harsh but I am not cruel.

You asked for a likeness, here it it is; not that recent since currently too haggard to be photographed but summing up the person I am:

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21 Comments »

  1. I like what I see…..

    Southampton is not the only place that is grey today…South East Essex / NE London is wet and grey and growing dark and gloomy….but I’ll draw the curtains in a little while and hide the outside world.

    Don’t give up…. just have a rest…like me! When I have something to say then I’ll pop up again and surprise you all.

    I’m currently involved in avoidance activities…avoiding doing the ironing as it happens so perhaps I’ll find some inspiration to help me with that…avoidance I mean.

    Comment by Magpie 11 — February 10, 2011 @ 17:10 | Reply

    • Ironing was during the dark ages. There was Perma-press after that & now 100% cotton. But the rumpled look is acceptable. I don’t know about England in cities though.

      Comment by bikehikebabe — February 10, 2011 @ 21:25 | Reply

  2. I’m wondering if I should go back and look at the Echo thing again. I just did not understand what it was about. Was the word Echo (or the idea of an echo chamber) a metaphor for something? If so for what? One thing I do know is that whenever I have heard echoes it has always been in an empty space… so that there is noting around to absorb the intitial and reflected sounds.

    I was once in an anechoic chamber: Used for testing loud speakers: It was a dead space. I suspect that if I had been in the dark as well I might well have gone mad. Or more so than already.

    Comment by Magpie 11 — February 10, 2011 @ 17:27 | Reply

    • Magpie, don’t go back. As you said the other day: Echoes fade. And that’s good. Wish mine would. Instead of which I hear voices.

      One of the saddest love stories ever: Echo and Narcissus (The Metamorphoses – Ovid). Never warm up previously cooked cabbage unless you are starving but am convinced that Narcissus was gay. Which is neither here nor there. Don’t know anything about anechoic chambers. Though sounds mightily impressive. First father-in-law (Professor of physics and maths) I believe was involved in creating transistor decades ago. Did you know that when studying English (whether age 10 or 100) one of the first rules drummed into you is “Ort vor Zeit” – location before time? Often pondered on that one. Ort vor Zeit. Hmm. Ok. Lost thread since phone ringing.

      U

      Comment by Ursula — February 10, 2011 @ 18:20 | Reply

    • Aren’t telephones just awful things these days? nd the mobile/cell variety are the worst! I’m always forgetting where I put mine and then people say(in a whiny voice), “Do you ever have your mobile switched on?”
      “Yes. When I want to use it!”

      Comment by Magpie 11 — February 10, 2011 @ 22:32 | Reply

  3. I LOVE YOU. I LOVE YOUR BLOG. Other blogs are like reading textbooks. And what you see about the blogger is that he/she is a most wonderful perfect person. The ups, but never the downs. We all have them. I thought. Your posts are so genuinely the human —– what’s the word–a Senior Moment. the human condition???

    Con likes you. He’d like you to turn into a loving, gentle person. We all need to accept everyone as they are. GM is avoiding you. My Bicycle Leader once said to me that not everyone likes you. She said not everyone likes her. I found that very hard to believe. No point in whipping the dead horse. Have to let it go. Let It Go That’s a book I have on my shelf that I need to read. Hard to do. Let it go, not read.

    I love your references to literature, your use of other languages, your funny, innovative way of describing. I’m refreshed after reading them. Though’ you might quit beating the dead horses–GM & Con at times. Nice pic too. Where did you get that smile? I bet you didn’t even have to wear braces.

    Comment by bikehikebabe — February 10, 2011 @ 19:13 | Reply

    • Where did I get that smile? In the womb. Little did I know what was awaiting me. Beloved grandmother called me Sonnenschein “sunshine”. And yes, no braces for me. Though dentist has intimated that I might have to start wearing those ghastly shields since I appear to be grinding my teeth at night; in my sleep of all places. Can you believe it? Neither can I.

      The consortium has a lot to answer for. Last week I woke myself – and neighbours – by screaming in wake of dream about them [consortium]. No bull, true story. Not a muffled sound, SCREAMING. Screaming. Dream was awful. Not awful as in being persued down a country lane in deepest Devon by the Hound of Baskerville only to find yourself with a puncture. Oh, no. Awful, as in deep down terror. It was quite something. I let it sink in for 24 hours. Swore to myself that I’d never let anyone know. Decided that enough is enough. Except, unfortunately, enough is never enough for me. So I continued. Horses may be dead but that doesn’t mean one should neglect the donkeys.

      BHB, in truth, how dead can Con and GM be before their pacemakers fly through the crematorium’s chimney?

      U

      Comment by Ursula — February 10, 2011 @ 20:41 | Reply

      • I hope this is just another door-slamming-to-let-off-steam thing and you will continue blogging. I would miss you if you stopped.

        Comment by Cheerful Monk — February 10, 2011 @ 21:07 | Reply

  4. I have one of those teeth grinding guards to wear at night. It’s enough to keep me awake, so I put it on during the night after I’ve been asleep.

    Comment by bikehikebabe — February 10, 2011 @ 21:21 | Reply

  5. I grind my teeth too!

    Comment by Magpie 11 — February 10, 2011 @ 22:29 | Reply

  6. Oh, yeah, teeth guards. Have several. Wouldn’t have any teeth left if I didn’t. 🙂

    I still don’t understand why you give Con and GM so much power over you. Doesn’t sound like much fun to me. If it’s not a good match let it go and move on.

    Comment by Cheerful Monk — February 10, 2011 @ 22:48 | Reply

  7. Cheerful Monk & I were discussing you behind your back. We noted that in Productive Pause you were Up & Closing Down you are Down. Up/down, up/down are the symptoms of bipolar condition. However I’m remembering when I was your age. I told Tom’s mother that I felt high as a kite & later so sad. She asked me how old I was. It was 40 something. She said it was my age & I’d get over that. In other words it was my hormones that were jerking me around.

    Comment by bikehikebabe — February 11, 2011 @ 03:26 | Reply

    • Hormones, BHB. The much maligned.

      I don’t give much store to using hormones as an excuse for anything. I never suffered pre or post menstrual tension. Neither did I throw up when pregnant. The menopause passed me by – unnoticed. One minute I was on 28 days regular. The next month my periods just stopped. Never to return. End of story.

      Up and down. Again, I think it’s part of the human condition. Bipolar? I am wary of pigeonholing. And medicalising (oh my God, please don’t tell me I have just made up an awful word) is a disease of our times. Until I cut my ear off in the fashion of Van Gogh I shall steer clear of serotonin re-uptake inhibitors. Reminds me of being a bit down about two years ago. Father of son has unrational belief in the powers of pharmaca and suggested I’d see a doctor. As I drily remarked to doctor when he asked what was wrong: “Nothing that £2,000 couldn’t cure.” At which he put away his prescription pad. And, no, he did not lend me the money. Life is just life. Like weather. Without the sun there wouldn’t be rain. And if it weren’t raining we’d have no sun to look forward to. How profound is that? Can’t believe I utter such platitudes.

      U

      Comment by bitchontheblog — February 11, 2011 @ 04:42 | Reply

  8. God, you’re good!!! Can’t think of anything else to say.

    Comment by bikehikebabe — February 11, 2011 @ 16:40 | Reply

  9. Sometimes the answer back is not an echo. I am here.

    What you are missing is that I am not avoiding you. I am caught up in one helluva life load right now and it is after me from all sides. The good news is that I am holding up just fine. The bad news is that it just occupies me no end. And, I do feel bad that this torments you sometimes.

    Ursula, I extend an invitation to you. Would you like to write a guest piece for my blog? Your choice.

    I am not trying to avoid you – or anyone else, for that matter – but understand that I am pedaling about as fast as I want. But there are breaks in the action and I care more than you think.

    Comment by Conrad — February 16, 2011 @ 06:08 | Reply

    • You are truly a swell guy. Life can sure get your trousers in a twist but ain’t it fun & not boring.

      Comment by bikehikebabe — February 16, 2011 @ 14:41 | Reply

    • Conrad, delighted to hear from you. Yes, I will write a guest piece on your blog – so very generous of you to allow me. Do you have a subject in mind?

      Hope things (that’s your current life) will pan out for you. Not easy. I know. Sometimes there is such aloneness enveloping us between 9 and 5 (make that 7 and 10). Hope Lady Con is of the old school, welcoming you back to a G&T, children tucked up safely in bed, dinner divinely simmering in the oven, table laid.

      I should write romantic novellas.

      Thank you.

      U

      Comment by Ursula — February 16, 2011 @ 16:53 | Reply

  10. Ursula, my life – even 9 to 5 – is good. But, when you have your own company, your daughter in college, both of your kids getting married within about 18 months, you have purchased a condo for stability for your granddaughter – well, it keeps Carol and me quite busy.

    She is a dental hygienist and I don’t expect dinner on the table each night – nor does she. We would rather eat more sparingly and spend time together, some thoughtful and some mindless!

    As for your topic, what would you like to write on? Just bring your wings and support those who can’t fly to your heights.

    Comment by Conrad — February 17, 2011 @ 01:16 | Reply

  11. I need to eat more sparingly. How do I do that? Don’t grocery shop? Buy only vegetables & eat them raw without dressing. Go for a run instead of fix dinner? Put Tabasco sauce on food?

    Comment by bikehikebabe — February 17, 2011 @ 01:33 | Reply

    • Oh, BHB, your question couldn’t have come more timely. Just realised, as one does at 0410 hrs, that I did a wrong thing two days ago. Am now mortified. With a big M. How do I do it?

      But at least I have your diet to divert my attention. Why do you need to eat more sparingly? You don’t strike me as someone overweight. If anything, as people get older they tend to eat (and sleep) less.

      I myself swear by Tabasco. One of my most idiotic comfort food dishes when I cook just for myself are fusilli (spiral pasta) and carrot slices baked or fried in olive oil; the lot bathed – don’t laugh – in Tabasco sauce. Apart from everything else this household needs – and it’s one of our creeds: We are never out of toilet paper or Tabasco sauce. The day we are out of either is the day I know I am truely poor.

      So relax. Just stick with me and Jung and eat apples. Apples are a miracle food. You can munch them all day if you need to munch all day – without ill effect. They keep your gums firm. They are easily digested. I am such a fan of apples it’s ridiculous. If you are what you eat I am an apple (son is a pizza). Probably told you this before. My first husband was so very irritated by a habit I carried over from my youth into short lived marriage: Last thing at night: That’s right: An apple. I don’t know why he found the noise of my teeth crashing into the apple so irritating. Obviously, as one does to keep the peace, I stopped eating apples last thing at night. As soon as we separated … Bliss. Wiser, and before FOS and I got involved I asked him about his “apple last thing at night” tolerance. He was fine with that; found other things in me to irritate the hell out of him. No wonder I never tied the knot again. Too much hard work too few apples.

      So here I am, marooned with a bowl of apples on my side. Bliss, bliss and bliss. And no, I am not taking the piss.

      By all means, become a rabbit (no, that’s Jean) and munch your veg without dressing. Though remember: Olive oil actually helps your body to take up vitamins.

      Do Americans grow apples or do you import them? If so from where? Please don’t say South Africa.

      Bon appetit,
      U

      Comment by Ursula — February 17, 2011 @ 04:25 | Reply

      • A couple I know got divorced because he was a Bridge fanatic & he didn’t like her trumping his Aces. But mainly because she ate crackers in bed at night.

        You can’t go right eating anything. If you eat the apple peels, you are eating poison, but if you cut the skin off you’ve cut off the vitamins.

        I went with foodnerd lady & her 4 kids to the 2nd hand store today. On the way she taught me that the 4 tbs. of ground flax seed I eat a day binds (eliminates) the minerals, but takes away the toxins. If I eat organic p-nuts I’m not eating the poison that’s in regular p-nuts. But I’m eating a toxic mold that p-nuts get from growing underground. Cheap p-nuts are sprayed with poison to get rid of that mold. So eat toxic mold or poison. Take your pick.

        I asked her about flax seed & p-nuts, is why she told me that. She says every food has benefits & disclaimers.

        Just don’t eat white bread, animal fat & sugar. blah, blah Oh, there’s salt 😦
        I’m going to bed now & you’ll be getting up soon.

        Comment by bikehikebabe — February 17, 2011 @ 06:05 | Reply


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