Bitch on the Blog

February 20, 2011

Vanitas vanitatum (Futility)

One of these days I will declare war on the ADVERB. Just came across “rather pleased”. Forget rather: Either you are pleased or you are not.

I am NOT pleased. Deep down I knew that I am not of this internet world. I just went onto my ‘dashboard’, courtesy of wordpress. Rarely do I go there. Who needs dashboards and their graphs?

However I am gutted, like one of my sardines, to find lots of comments I need to “approve” before published. Why? People can say what they like on my blog. So am lumbered with a graveyard of favourable comments of many months. Which is a pity. How to revive the dead?

Magpie, no, make that Daphne, drew my attention to “vanity”  (not mine, just generally). Naturally, all the most stylish of my loyal readership will claim that NONE of you are “vain” – vain NOT being nice. Don’t believe yourselves. Of course you are vain. How many mirrors do you have in your home? How many times do you glance sideways at yourself when passing a gleaming shop window? How many times (please do not count) do you preen yourself when in company? And no, I am not addressing my own gender: I am addressing both of you. And remember nasal hair.

Vanity only evaporates when you are in grip of poverty, depression or both and can’t be bothered to wash your hair;  or you are Miss Haversham straight out of Dickens with lots of spider webs to keep you and your miserable memories company; or you neglected to pay your electricity bill. Don’t be hasty: I am NOT depressed, I do wash my hair, neither does my den feature spider webs (mainly because there aren’t any spiders) and I have paid my electricity bill. Claim on electricity bill  having made my nose grow by 0.000001 mm.

Dashboard: According to one of those long ignored I am “good value”. Good value: I’d rather be a banker. And if I had a twin you’d get two for thrice the price.

I am on a mission now: Dashboards. Best ignored.  How do you think I get speeding tickets? Some bloggers appear obsessive: You will find people recording on the side columns of their blog (in public) the time their visitors have made their entrance: Southampton, United Kingdom 1 minute ago.  Port-of-Spain 5 minutes ago. Yes………….? Come again. So what?

Being of a generous dispostion, I take my hat off to bloggers freely admitting to obsessively checking their statistics every few minutes. Are they ok? How do they do it? I keep being told that we live in ‘stressed-out’ and ‘time-poor’ times.  I don’t. Neither do I keep an eye on the inconsequential.

Maybe those people who qualify on the Richter Scale of their blogs statistics need to be constantly reaffirmed that they exist. I know I exist: I only need to look at my kitchen this minute, my to-do list, the mirror, comments I leave. And generally kick myself.

Keeping it brief as not to stretch attention span of your average blog dung beetle. Word count 529.. You can tell I am in  a good mood, can’t you?

Happy Sunday.




  1. I wash my hair every day, and I don’t look in the mirror much more than that. There are a lot of things I would rather spend my time on.

    Comment by cheerfulmonk — February 20, 2011 @ 07:38 | Reply

    • Oh. :(( Is that all I could elicit from you on a post that proved how few adverbs one needs to still write a lot of rubbish? You can take adverbs out of the editor but you can’t take the editor out of adverbs’ paddling pool.

      Well, my dear Jean, this your comment went straight into that dashboard section “Awaiting moderation”. Good job I checked. Can’t stop giggling. It’s so ironic. And imagine I’d checked my dashboard again not this minute but in six months time. How would I know that you wash your hair as frequently as once a day?

      I didn’t mention this in my post because Pisceans are easily hurt: You wouldn’t believe (neither do I) how many times our very own BHB’s comments ended up in that pit of unpublished comments – unbeknown to me. A fate as yet not bestowed on good old Con.

      Once I have got my life under control again I will look into intracies of wordpress. Meanwhile I will watch my dashboard (be damned) like a hawk.

      Do you use conditioner every day? If you do don’t.


      Comment by bitchontheblog — February 20, 2011 @ 12:11 | Reply

    • I don’t use conditioner either, but I seem to have acquired a lot. Probably on sale. Now I use it as hand creme.

      Comment by bikehikebabe — February 20, 2011 @ 23:19 | Reply

  2. Perhaps I should check my Dashboard…….. Which (not what) genius thought up (can you think down?) that name I wonder?

    Nice? That is one of the things I enjoy about the old bitch on the blog: Her comments and writing are actually so often nice.( as in accurate,and critical but not hazardous)…..

    I once left my hair for a whole three weeks and no-one noticed…… there was an outbreak of little creatures and I was always given to understand that they prefer clean hair. I menti0ned this to Marina (a colleague) who came out with the classic line,”I don’t wish to be rude but I think you’ll find that they aren’t really interested in middle aged males anyway.”
    “Parthenogenetic are they?” I enquired. “Feminism gone mad.”

    Comment by Magpie 11 — February 20, 2011 @ 15:16 | Reply

    • Magpie, no, I can’t think down the name. Normally, I’d say it would have to be some German engineer working in Stuttgart or Munich. But even by my stretch of imagination a German would not come up with ‘dashboard’. Armaturbrett! Jawoll!

      Dashboard, as far as I remember, and this comes from reading novels set in a time before cars and planes were let loose on mankind, were those shields on carriages to protect passengers from all that mud flying off horses’ hooves. Even that doesn’t make sense since they should have been called “SPLASHboards”. Put me out of my misery and tell me.

      Headlice deserve a post all to themselves.

      Must dash,

      Comment by Ursula — February 21, 2011 @ 08:05 | Reply

  3. U, rather pleased means a little bit pleased rather than gleefully pleased. Jean, if I washed my hair more often would that keep it from falling out?

    Spiders- I don’t kill them in the house. They have a right to life. I don’t like to see their webs though. If I thought it through, I’d know they have a right to their homes too.

    Obsessive- Certain things I line up, the toothpaste & vitamin containers, & straighten, the towels. That’s to satisfy my urge for neatness, whereas everything else is a mess of too much of it.

    Mirrors- I have lots of them. When I brush my teeth, I close my eyes so I don’t have to see myself. ???

    I have the attention span of a dung beetle. My mind flits from one thing to the next.

    Unlike U my eye is always on the inconsequential. I work with the detail so as not to deal with the big jobs.

    I’m in a rather good mood too. Happy Sunday

    Comment by bikehikebabe — February 20, 2011 @ 15:52 | Reply

    • Dung beatles…do they roll their own? Or do the dig under it? One track minds either way.

      Comment by Magpie 11 — February 22, 2011 @ 16:40 | Reply

      • Conrad wrote a post about the Dung Beetle. What I remember is that they block other dung beetles from getting to a female so that lots of dung beetles aren’t getting any.

        Comment by bikehikebabe — February 22, 2011 @ 17:30 | Reply

  4. Oh was this post about ADVERBS? I didn’t read that carefully enough, so that I responded wrongly.

    I’m all for adverbs. People try to make adverbs into adjectives. It’s not a rightly thing to do.

    Comment by bikehikebabe — February 20, 2011 @ 22:01 | Reply

  5. I really love adverbs too. I’m not about to give them up. 🙂

    I wash my hair with baby shampoo, rinse it thoroughly, use no conditioner.

    Comment by Cheerful Monk — February 20, 2011 @ 22:21 | Reply

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