Bitch on the Blog

May 5, 2011


Filed under: Errors — bitchontheblog @ 17:34

I know you will never have considered this; few people do even if they manage to live to 101:

Rubberbands. Rubberbands are miracles. Per job description they will stretch . But only so far.  As I – ever the optimist – have just found out. Appearances to what they MIGHT stretch to: Deceptive. Misleading. Don’t rely on your judgment. Unless you are a pessimist. In which case you will be UNpleasantly surprised at how little it takes to rubberband a pony tail. Round and round and round …

If I had one amongst MANY wishes I’d like to invent and manufacture the ONE rubber band that stays small or stretches infinitum. Do think this through. It might stretch you. Oh dear, now I am evolving into a cheap head line writer.




  1. He He…..take a small rubber band and twist it up until it makes a tight squiggly bundle. Next place it next to an unsuspecting girl and wait until she notices it uncurling in fits and starts and listen to the screams!

    Comment by Magpie 11 — May 5, 2011 @ 18:14 | Reply

    • Well, Magpie, I am not surprised any longer that you chose to go into the teaching profession.

      You do know, of course, the one and only enemy of any household, don’t you? No, not Ikea or Habitat flatpacks. SUPERGLUE. Superglue is the devil’s invention. Or maybe God’s on the day he forgot to take off. The Western World divides into two types of people: Those who love Superglue – and therefore will always look for something to mend – and those (like me) who just chuck anything broken in the bin. Don’t get me wrong. I do have a – recently purchased and as yet to be opened – tube of Superglue in the house. Like toilet paper; No self respecting household should be without. But I also know that once you managed to glue your indes and middle fingers together by accident – ca 1985 – you will never be lured by false promises again.

      On the other hand I do swear by WD40. That stuff is brilliant. Doubles if you are into glue sniffing. I tell you, David: The number of times I have wished I could Double U Dee Forty my life. I can just hear the sweet pur and the absence of creaking doors. Smooth, sweet, silent.

      Maybe we can discuss Bicarbonate of Soda – by all accounts another miracle to be found in a cupboard near you – next time. Though still have to crack its hidden treasures.


      Comment by bitchontheblog — May 5, 2011 @ 19:45 | Reply

  2. Duct tape needs to be included as an essential. How can one live up to his image of Redneck without duct tape?

    Comment by bikehikebabe — May 5, 2011 @ 21:30 | Reply

    • Yes, BHB, duct tape – what a cracker. I and my household have not yet evolved past my beloved Sellotape and blue tack. Blue tack, the much maligned. Complete nonsense that it will ruin wallpaper. It doesn’t. If you know how. But then I am an afficionado of books like “Home Comforts – The Art and Science of Keeping House” by no less than the American Cheryl Mendelson. Like Martha Stewart she makes you wince in a way not even rivalled by following in Mrs Beeton’s rubber gloves (yes, I got a collector’s edition of the last one. What possessed me I do not know). On page 19 La Mendelson has “suggestions for SHORTENING housekeeping” which is rich coming from a woman who writes an 884 pages tome; admittedly the 884 do include the index. I particularly like her “Insurance Coverage for Domestic Employees and Workers in your Home”. There you go. Easy peasy. Get a slave. Insure him/her. I bet La Mendelson comes from best Southern American Stock.

      What sort of outfit do you run, Cynthia, in need of duct tape? La Mendelson does not deem it worthy of mentioning it once (judging by said index I have just surveyed). But then she might not have your problems: Wikepedia informs me that duct tape is good for warts (“duct tape occlusion therapy”).

      Warts and all, yours,

      Comment by Ursula — May 6, 2011 @ 05:13 | Reply

  3. You ask how I use duct tape. Just yesterday I got my duct tape to mend the split box for my collection of tall candles which i will never use. The metal in the wicks is toxic to burn, but that isn’t exactly the reason. We’re not a candle burning type. Mother used those & grew flowers so we got lots of candle holders & vases for wedding presents. And why don’t I get a new box for the tall candles? That one is the perfect size.

    Comment by bikehikebabe — May 6, 2011 @ 14:56 | Reply

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