Bitch on the Blog

November 14, 2011

Anaphylactic Shock

Filed under: Despair,Errors — bitchontheblog @ 12:08
Tags: , , , , , , , , , ,

With no one else to hand: Why not throw myself onto my blog? Anonymity such a cloak of comfort.

I have a peculiar, physical reaction when I find out that I have been lied to big time: My heart starts racing like crazy. Always has. Most unpleasant sensation. And that’s just the body. Never mind the mind.

This will be closely followed by my throwing up. My body is good that way. It translates – literally.

Some of you may remember that I have a peculiar relationship with lying. I don’t like it. Trouble is that – like a pig trained to find the truffle – I will, unintentionally, find out when someone deceives on a level where it pulls the rug from under my feet.

Don’t get me wrong: White lies. Sure, I do them too. Mainly on behalf of others. What is it to me when someone needs an alibi to save their marriage, stop them being expelled from school or whatever? Being a story teller I come across so convincing I will stand up in court and the accused will go free.

But when I find out someone lies, big time, to ME, I go stone cold. Apart from my heart racing and throwing up (see above). And no, dear readers, do not jump to conclusions: What I have just found out  has nothing to do with “romance”. This has to do with such a mega shit that the person who has caused an INNOCENT to lie to ME will pay the price. Big time. One day this will out. Not today. Not tomorrow.  But when it does there will be tears. Probably mostly mine because everyone is always so good at justifying their actions. Naturally, I will have brought it all onto myself. Sure. Whatever you say. In the meantime go on and destroy my life. Why not? As spectator sports go I am sure it’s entertaining.

How did I say the other day: The unimaginable is slowly but steadily happening: Like a weed in my heart: Hatred, or what I imagine hate to be, is growing.

And no one, no one give me “drama queen”. You know what: Life is drama. On the very stage you are standing on. Unless it’s a flop.

To think the innocent I once was. The good in people. Oh, I find it. There are those. Unbelievably so. And then there is foam.

If I weren’t me (made of steel) I’d probably kill myself within the next few hours or so; after having cleaned the house top to bottom – mustn’t leave a mess, must we? Oh no. Everything just so. Ship shape. Good old Ursula. Always to be relied upon to deliver. Well, let me tell those of you who do not know about this blog (which is family and some friends): Fuck off. You have done enough damage. Find yourself another soap opera. And don’t you even think about attending my funeral. Or I will rise from my grave in most unbecoming fashion.

Hugs and kisses,

U

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4 Comments »

  1. I’ve been blind-sided so many times, I qualify for a seeing-eye dog. I know what you mean and I like your way of delivering the message.

    Comment by Lorna's Voice — November 14, 2011 @ 20:25 | Reply

  2. Thank you, Lorna.

    In the cold light of day (charitable me):Few people will set out to hurt someone else willfully. A lie is a form of self protection; a way to avoid uncomfortable consequences of one’s actions. That’s all. I understand.

    On two memorable occasions in my life (I was in my early twenties) I forced the truth out of two people.By hook and by crook. I knew it [the truth] anyway. But I was determined to hear it from them. I do not know what possessed me. I can live with anyone’s errors, shit happens – that’s understood. It’s nothing to me. No one can claim to be whiter than white. But for some reason, and I do not know why this should be so, it’s – more than anything – the denying of a lie that drives me nuts. Maybe I don’t like to be taken for a fool, for an idiot. Maybe it’s as simple as that.

    My then best (female) friend wrote me a letter at the time (I kept it), saying that she felt that I had most unfortunate and insatiable drive to get to the bottom of things. Even if I destroy myself in the process.

    Later she became a pathologist of some distinction. So she must have been right.

    U

    Comment by Ursula — November 15, 2011 @ 06:05 | Reply

  3. A trust, once violated, is so very difficult to repair, and even if repaired it can never be as structurally sound as it was before being broken. What came about from your encounters to hear the truth from these two people?

    Comment by Phil — November 15, 2011 @ 13:45 | Reply

    • Phil, what came of it? Self satisfaction (mine). Being confirmed in my ingrained trust in my gut feelings, my instinct. Massive disappointment (mine) that someone will look you in the eye, in face of hard evidence in my hand, and still lie. It rocked my world. Other than that – we remained friends. I do not throw out babies with the bathwater: Face the storm and see if you can share an umbrella. However one of those two I wouldn’t take to a desert island as a companion unless I had eyes at the back of my head. The other? Any time.

      U

      Comment by Ursula — November 16, 2011 @ 01:40 | Reply


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