Bitch on the Blog

February 29, 2012


Filed under: Despair,Happiness — bitchontheblog @ 17:13
Tags: , , , ,

Sweethearts, I will answer your comments you so kindly left at expense of your time. I promise. Though Phil, as usual, has me in thumb screws. If only I could ask him to marry me. It would be easier. Androgoth may serve as best man. Lorna, Bella and Renee I’d honour to be my maids. Magpie might oblige to make sure the champagne is served at the right temperature. John will sacrifice Phylis (don’t ask; just make sure you eat before the feast begins).

Dear dog in heaven: Yes, it’s 29 Feb. Women are supposed to propose. The first hurdle being that I am not the marrying kind. I am immune to the altar. Being admonished for crunching apples in bed, my love of freedom got the better of me twice. I now keep a bowl of apples next to my bed at all times. Just to make sure no one comes near me.

Still, I don’t want to be a spoil sport on that four yearly window to chain yourself to the master of your destiny, and I will propose. To a dear friend of mine. He doesn’t know it yet because I haven’t pressed send for my email. He is of a fragile disposition. He also gets irritated very easily. Particularly before a live broadcast.  So easily irritated that, three years ago, he broke off all contact with me. Under the understanding that I will keep my promise to him (made in the throws of our earliest courtship when he worshiped the very ground I was walking on and  was all up for carrying me up Montmartre, Absinthe in hand) that I’d never ever not write to him. The swine. By keeping my promise I have fashioned myself into a backdoor stalker. I normally don’t do servant’s entrance but anything for one of the most misguided souls I ever had the privilege to meet.

Don’t get carried away with the romance: In the marriage stakes I like playing it on the safe side: So yes, he is gay. Very intelligent if emotionally somewhat stunted. I do have beef with his therapist: She gave him terrible advice. Like most compulsive obsessives he follows it to the letter.

In terms of damage limitation and health and safety regulations we are happily divided by a pond. The bargain is perfect: On signing the contract I’ll get my double barrel name, he gets a wife he doesn’t need.

Wish me luck. If he says no he’ll have to buy me a dress and/or gloves (as folklore goes) – make that an ipod, Geek that he is – and if he says yes then both of us will be in a double bind.

On my knees,




  1. Well, considering that the French have decreed that neither the flute nor the coupe make better glasses for drinking champagne (mind you “girls with breasts like champagne glasses” was always a rather silly simile….. imagine the stems protruding) one might be forgiven for wondering what is the correct temperature for serving champagne. ( Interestingly, I would never hold a hock glass by the bowl.

    I understand your perception of me is as merely a servant…. ah well.

    Thinking about the wine…is there to be a dessert? A chocolate dessert? In which case might I suggest serving it accompanied by a glass of Sekt ( red) made from Blaufränkisch (Lemberger) and Saint Laurent grapes from Bohemia?

    Comment by magpie11 — February 29, 2012 @ 17:44 | Reply

    • You, a servant? Soon we’ll be playing “Upstairs, downstairs”.

      You sure know your stuff. And a wine glass should most certainly not be held by its cup. Only by its stem. Otherwise you won’t get that lovely clinking sound. And white wine will warm up. Yes, I know you like it hot – let’s not go where beer should be chilled. You do know that you are getting yourself quite a reputation, don’t you, Magpie? If for all the right reasons.

      Yes, dessert wines. It’s a science. Naturally, for those who are short on memory for names – like myself – there is Beaumes de Venise. Et al. You may like to know that when it comes to choice of wine with ANY course I put my destiny into a man’s hands. And no, I am not being lazy. So far my trust has not been disappointed. FOS had it down to a fine Tee what I’d like or not. Uncanny.

      Never mind grapes: I need some feedback, agony aunt type advice, on my proposal to GG (gay guy). Still haven’t sent it. Mind you, he is five hours behind GMT. So by the time I will have summoned up courage (so unlike me – I have courage in buckets but don’t like disappointment) I will most likely hit his spot just before he goes on air.



      Comment by Ursula — February 29, 2012 @ 19:46 | Reply

  2. My goodness! I believe I have been almost proposed to! And this after I was being dueled over just a few months ago. If this doesn’t stop, I will be at risk for letting it all go to my head, and becoming an overconfident, narcissistic, pompous blow-hard. Oh wait, I already am. Dammit.

    Alas, I lose out to Gay Guy in the marriage stakes. I shall await with bated breath to hear his reaction and reply to your proposal. You are wearing a scarlet petticoat, aren’t you? Who could possibly say no to our dear Ursula?

    Comment by Phil — March 1, 2012 @ 04:03 | Reply

    • h no, Phil. You don’t lose out to GG. There is no contest. Give me the guy with high EQ any day.

      In the end life took over, I forgot all about my lark, and before I could press send, Morpheus took me in his loving arms. At 10 pm I just wanted to rest a little, and yes, I did go to sleep – and when I woke it was March, 1. So I was saved from my continued attempt to rescue what’s dead.


      Comment by Ursula — March 1, 2012 @ 09:34 | Reply

  3. I loive popping in here… Its like visiting humans that have evolved on another planet for 10,000 years…
    everyone looks the same.. but sometimes you’re just buggered if you know whats actually going on xxxx

    Comment by john — March 1, 2012 @ 19:42 | Reply

  4. I’d be honored to be among the ‘maids’. But let’s move forward dear Ursula – not backward – especially if he isn’t communicating with you. (It increases the difficulty if you have to mime the proposal.) I thought Phil was winning for a moment there myself.

    Comment by writingfeemail — March 3, 2012 @ 00:02 | Reply

  5. Ah, well, Gay Guy didn’t get his email proposal and Phil is (for now) already spoken for…so I remain attentively awaiting instructions on what gawd-awful dress you’d like me to wear as one of your maids so as not to outshine the glowing bride. FYI, I look great in every color.

    Comment by Lorna's Voice — March 5, 2012 @ 18:14 | Reply

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