Bitch on the Blog

March 13, 2012

Heart shaped

Filed under: Errors — bitchontheblog @ 05:55
Tags: , ,

It is not my personal experience but I believe the scientist: Men prefer women with big eyes, full lips and a small nose. Really? Good. Excellent. I am so glad god gave me relatively thin lips.

Following the scientist’s reasoning I shall don my best Burka the next few days because by dint of accident I now have lips to die for (complimenting my big Bambi eyes, if not my Jewish nose). No, not Botox. I don’t do Botox. I leave well alone since I am sure nature/my genes knew what they were doing. Yes, so if you want full POUTY lips look no further than a very hot slice of Chorizo glueing itself to your lower lip. It’s amazing how much damage can be done in a couple of seconds. Shorten my nose and I am now your perfect woman. The ever observant Angel, as forthright as his mother: “Mama, you look as if someone has punched you in the mouth.”  Bring’s a whole new meaning to “Don’t give me lip”.

Yes, so shall patent that. Will open a chain of beauty salons – preferred location next to pizzerias. Americans seeking treatment will have to sign a pre burn clause. Well, you know what Americans are like: They choke on an apple and then they SUE: The apple, the person who sold them the apple, the grower of the apple, God for inventing the apple in the first place, and for good measure they’ll sue the snake too.

And before any Americans sue me for cruelty to a whole nation do not worry, have no fear: Where big brother (that’s the States) leads, little brother (that’s Britain) will follow. Some time ago I had an accident. It was a perfectly good reasonable accident as accidents go. Then the phone calls started coming in. I don’t know how these companies got wind of it: Suddenly everyone wanted me to SUE. Sue whom exactly for the fact I went flying (by accident)? Just fuck off, will you. Contrary to the impression you may get from my blog I am an extremely polite person. I have manners. So I, patiently, explained that there was nothing to sue. One guy wouldn’t give up. Every other day: SUE SUE SUE. I can’t remember my exact words during the last conversation we ever had; they were super polite, very calm, yet he abruptly put the phone down. Such are the powers of sarcasm. Good on him: Some people don’t get sarcasm. Sarcasm takes some thinking. So never waste it on the brain dead.

If nothing else the above shows you how one can drift, without effort, from a pout caused by chorizo on the pointy bit of a slice of pizza, via a business idea, into the intricate law of the US (and Britain’s) banana skin culture. And yes, lawyers need to eat too.

Hugs, kisses, actually, no – no kisses today, it hurts,




  1. We are definitely in a society that goes just short – or not – of extortion. Sorry about your accident Ursula, and hope you can keep the leeches at bay.

    Comment by writingfeemail — March 13, 2012 @ 10:49 | Reply

    • Oh, Renee, no sooner do I read your reply I come across an article, and this is too ridiculous for words (can’t stop laughing): “Lawyers sue law schools for producing too many lawyers”. Brilliant or what? Reference: NYLS (New York Law School). And I quote:

      “Law schools have engaged in behavior that, if an ordinary business were to do the same thing, it would be in danger of being sued for fraud and losing”, says one Paul Campos. University of Colorado. Many law professors struggle to discern this truth. “It’s difficult to get a man to understand something when his salary depends on him not understanding”, he answers his detractors in reply; perfectly reasonable, I am sure.

      Comment by Ursula — March 13, 2012 @ 11:33 | Reply

  2. I’ll go along with the eyes and nose bit to a certain extent but big pouty lips suggest one would be in danger of being sucked to death. I am a sucker for big brown eyes.

    Sorry about the lower lip…….

    All that talk of food has made me feel a bit hungry so will go hunting for food. ‘Byee!

    Oh the lawyer story above doesn’t surprise me int he least. Remind me to tell you about trying to dehair a suction cleaner with a bread knife sometime.

    Comment by D W M — March 13, 2012 @ 12:32 | Reply

  3. Why would men prefer large lips? Don’t they pride themselves on their good aim?

    Hope the swelling goes down before anyone mistakes your mishap for misbehavior… 😉

    Comment by Lorna's Voice — March 13, 2012 @ 20:12 | Reply

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