Bitch on the Blog

July 8, 2012

It stinks

Filed under: Communication — bitchontheblog @ 19:31
Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

I am so glad I am not a dog. Not because I don’t want to follow the leader. Well, that too. But mainly because a dog is slave to his nose. It informs his world.

Smell being a much underrated of our human senses. How many times have I told the Angel to forget about food’s “Sell By”/”Use by” dates and use his nose instead? I learnt how to avoid food poisoning before a fridge freezer was a must-have in every household. A north facing larder off the kitchen would do. Those were the days: When eggs were laid daily, and cheese would go walkies – eventually.

We all know what perfume was invented for, other than lure: A mask before we had hot water on tap. Naturally, now in a time when we are so afraid to leave a faint smell of ourselves there is the deodorant. The devil’s invention if ever there was one. When the boys (that’s the Angel and his friends) were between the ages of 14 and 18 I’d gag on the amount of masking odour before they all exited in the morning. One day I had had it. Told them all in no uncertain terms: Clean is good: Shower. Forget the deo: You are young men whose pheromones were invented to attract (subtly) that which you most want: Yes, girls, maybe even a woman. Or if you must mask that which comes natural at least spend some money on a scent, a little more expensive than cheap. It will pay.

My lecture must have worked because these days, and for the last two years – when they leave in the morning – I am still overcome with their whiffs, but not of the synthetic kind. So I will  have to open all windows but at least for the right reasons.

Women are terrible, particularly when they go for the orientals. Meet them for dinner. You sit there, in a cacophony of nauseatingly fighting with each other smells, whilst trying to eat. It’s not only uncivilized, it borders on bad manners. Or let me enter a department store’s cosmetic and perfumery area: You will face spray guns. I wish I were Clint Eastwood. In fact, one of these days, as part of my many researches, I will NOT dodge any of those sweet girls but let all of them spray me. On exit I am sure I will not only CONFUSE dogs but make them howl.

The above was brought on by having had an inordinate amount of garlic, cucumber and yoghurt earlier today. Rule of thumb: Once you can smell yourself do keep a distance.

To be continued …




  1. Your rule of thumb would apply to an uncle of mine, now passed. When he was alive, he would sit at the dinner table, and feast on various cheeses, vegetables heavy in garlic and onions, salty prosciutto, little hot peppers, and after dinner, more wine and a cigar. The man could open a steel door with his breath alone. We kept our distance for sure. In fact, I’m sure my Aunt kept her distance as well…

    I have no idea how anyone can work in the fragrance section of department stores. If I am buying a nice gift there, my time limit is short before my nose and sense of smell is begging me to leave. I don’t think I could work there for a full shift, no matter how much you paid me. I tend to prefer the smell of clean, and if a woman uses perfume, I prefer it to be subtle, almost undetectable unless you are intimately close. I do not enjoy a man or woman whose fragrance arrives in a room long before he or she does.

    Comment by Phil — July 9, 2012 @ 02:52 | Reply

    • I don’t mind people smelling of food. If they do at least it indicates enjoyment of life. I hate being kissed by a man who has just brushed his teeth. The smell of whatever toothpaste is made of is a turn off to to me if ever there was one. If I want antiseptic I go to my dentist and his hygienist. Then I cook lunch. Come and join me.

      Little repels me. Other than worn down heels, bad table manners and old sweat. Emphasis on ‘old’. Fresh is good.

      Garlic divides people. I remember my mother and her famed (Greek) fish dish. By the time this became a family favourite I’d already left home. Returning to the fold on a Saturday. Have lunch with the family. My mother normally doesn’t stand nonsense but, from the goodness of her heart, she made two halves of said dish. Like the Berlin Wall. Dividing East and West. One half was WITH garlic, the other withOUT. To my amusement, not that I ever said a word, I could always tell which of my siblings was on for a hot date that Saturday night: Thus the NON garlic flew off the baking sheet.


      Comment by bitchontheblog — July 9, 2012 @ 06:15 | Reply

      • If the smell of toothpaste is a turn-off, I can only imagine what you think of those little pocket sized spray bottles of breath freshener being put to use immediately (and perhaps stealthily) before an encounter…

        Comment by Phil — July 9, 2012 @ 12:19 | Reply

        • Why not chew on some fresh parsley instead? It’s a great killer of odor (not ardour).

          Indeed, one could make a stem of parsley (button hole) part of the courting ritual. If at the end of the evening I find myself interested I could present you with one, and vice versa. Say it with herbs. Ladies first (to give). Actually, no. That won’t work, will it? As a token of your disaffection you may give me a clove of garlic. Not that I feel easily rejected. I know my worth. On the other hand, you being the perfect gentleman, may feel compelled to return the compliment, regardless, as not to hurt my feelings. That amounts to coercion on my part. So, that’s no good. Mind you, my idea is not as far fetched as it sounds: In the middle ages – the times of ‘courtly’ love – the Lady of the castle ‘dropped’ her handkerchief to declare interest (from a distance). All the poor knight had to do was to pick up the hankie, return it to her with a flourish and on his knees, and without further ado go on some quest to slay a dragon or two. Yes, those were the days.

          Where were we: Chewing parsley. Gazing into each other’s eyes. A New Yorker, a Californian or Lorna will now point out that chewing parsley could easily leave us with little bits of greenery visibly stuck between our teeth. That may be so. But at least our breath will be as fresh as the morning dew. Let’s get our priorities right.


          PS Do you prefer curly or flat? If parsley cannot be procured coriander will serve as a substitute.

          Comment by bitchontheblog — July 10, 2012 @ 03:07 | Reply

  2. Have you noticed that so many of these loathed Departments of Smells are placed just inside the main entrance of said store. One of my least favourite aromas is that emanating from the portals of a certain “green” emporium founded by a (much travelled) female entrepreneur….. Personally I do use a cologne…. same as that used by Churchill apparently…… it was originally created 110 years ago…. Franco Zeferelli rather liked it too….

    Food! The pleasure so easily destryed by the various smells of fellow humans, whether excessive use of perfume or the smell of an unwashed sexually mature male or female…so distracting and destructive of the olfactory sense. Same for wine….. Garlic, unless jointly partaken of is a foul smell in excess….. “Mummy, what is that awful smell?” , “Shh. She’s french and has been eating garlic!”. As for tobacco on the breath…my way to plant he seed of anti smoking in the minds of the youth of this fair land was always to ask the class (having passed around a plastic bag containing an ashtray and contents so that they can experience the smell), “Do you think that you will want to kiss an ashtray when you’re older?”….. amazing how many parents actually gave up the habit.

    The worst food smell for me is the stale smell of frying that hangs on clothes…… Speaking of which… my bedroom is not where I expect to find the stench of cooking… the other night youngest brought in Egg fried rice and took it up stairs… bed room door was open….. The stink did not disperse before 1-30 am……

    Point of interest; Press item recently on a survey trying to find out what is the most attractive aroma to men: Frying Bacon apparently!

    Comment by David — July 9, 2012 @ 14:55 | Reply

    • Whilst I agree that one of the short cuts to a man’s heart is via his stomach the smell of bacon will do little should your object of desire be a vegetarian.

      Yes, Penhaligon.

      As to garlic please do see my reply to Phil.

      Will come back to ‘ashtrays’. Smoking being a subject dear to my heart. You do realise, don’t you, that there is a fault in your logic: Just like garlic kisses garlic without so much as a repellent whiff so does smoker kiss smoker. And what of whiskey, beer and the like? It’s put few women off their men.


      Comment by bitchontheblog — July 10, 2012 @ 03:48 | Reply

      • I am always amazed at the number of vegetarians who love the smell of frying bacon and also the number I have met who love the smell of roasting lamb…. something must be going on here… I love both those smells and the smell of roasting coffee that used to waft from the coffee mercahnts when I was a child…..

        You are not young enough to remeber the introduction of cheese and onion flavoured crisps…… okay if she had eaten them but not if she hadn’t. The same goes for garlic and stale tobacco….. as long as both have the same or similar odours all can be well…….

        I love this quotation from Orchesographie by Thoinot Arbeau (about 1550?)
        The Monk replies to his ex pupils musing on theneed to learn to dance….
        ………………………. For dancing is practised to reveal whether lovers are in good health and sound of limb after which they are permitted to kiss their mistresses in order that they may touch and savor one another, thus, to ascertain if they are shapely or emit an unpleasant odor as of bad meat. Therefore, from this standpoint, quite apart from the many other advantages to be derived from dancing, it becomes an essential in a well ordered society.

        Comment by David — July 10, 2012 @ 13:00 | Reply

  3. Have fun U

    Androgoth XXx

    Comment by Androgoth — July 10, 2012 @ 21:59 | Reply

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