Bitch on the Blog

November 11, 2012

Don’t send chocolate – a flower will do

Filed under: Gymnastics — bitchontheblog @ 16:35
Tags: ,

Dear dog in heaven. As some of you know I don’t do drugs. Any. Mainly because they have the opposite of the desired effect. Give me a sleeping pill and I will be awake all night. I used to roll a mean joint. But never ask me to smoke it myself.  A – I hate it. B – joint and I don’t get along. Mind you, grass is one up on the sleeping pill. Sending me straight to sleep. Wasted. That’s what. How my friends tolerated me I do not know. Still, there is always one who needs to wipe brows, clean up sick and generally give feed back to a poor sod on a bad trip. Yes, that’s me. Matron. Try not to throw yourself off the roof.

However, as I confided in you before: Morphine is my drug of choice. If I had access to it I wouldn’t wish to guarantee for myself. Two years ago when they tried to reset my arm OH MY GOD they gave up and gave me morphine instead. Bliss. Bliss. Bliss. Bliss. And Bliss.

This minute, and thanks for the above diversion, I am in grip of backache I didn’t think possible. I can’t believe it. I never ever have backache. Like I never ever have headaches. Yet, there is no denying it. My back aches. Brilliant. I know I have a body. Why does my back take it upon itself to remind me?




  1. You are reminding me of the benefits of my future life as a barnacle. Meanwhile, hope you feel better!

    Comment by Looney — November 11, 2012 @ 16:39 | Reply

    • Dear Barnacle,

      My back ache was a short lived wonder.. All of two hours. It’s a mystery to me how people live with chronic ailments without feeling seriously sorry for themselves.

      We have populated the ark before; and you, being antisocial and studying Hebrew, have made it quite clear that clinging to the vessel on the outside will do you just fine. I might join you. At a respectful distance. Not because I am antisocial but because – so I believe – barnacles don’t have a spine. What they do have are ‘curled toes’. They are ‘encrusters’ and ‘suspension feeders’. How deliciously exciting. And exotic. Mind you limpets and mussels apparently compete for space. And they have numerous predators: What, like Dung Beetles? Let’s wait for Con’s considered response.

      What worries me is that barnacles don’t have “a true heart”. Let’s not speculate what constitutes an untrue heart. On the plus side they are hermaphrodites.

      And here is the sensational: “The sessile lifestyle of barnacles makes sexual reproduction difficult, as the organisms cannot leave their shells to mate. To facilitate genetic transfer between isolated individuals, barnacles have extraordinarily long penises. Barnacles probably have the largest penis to body size ratio of the animal kingdom.”

      Looney, never has Wikipedia made me laugh more than with their detailed entry on ‘barnacles’.


      Comment by bitchontheblog — November 13, 2012 @ 10:00 | Reply

      • I never have imagined that it would be possible to find barnacles so fascinating and comical. 🙂

        Comment by Looney — November 15, 2012 @ 05:54 | Reply

  2. I use morphine everyday at work
    I have however never taken it!
    Ursula I could read your blog over and over again! x

    Comment by john — November 11, 2012 @ 23:03 | Reply

    • As they say, John: Don’t lead me into temptation. Or a goner I may be.

      A friend of mine (actually my first husband, a Jesus Christ lookalike) chose to do civil duty over 18 months military services (at the time obligatory). Conscientious objector. Had to put his case in front of a court. He ‘won’.

      Talk about a sensitive twenty year old being thrown in at the deep end. They put him on the psychiatric clinic’s ward for ‘drug rehabilitation’. Yes, that decision was inspired. Not that he succumbed; though did once “borrow” some of my clothes to dress up one of the guys as a girl, helping him to cross the border. Anyway, eventually L was found out and then, for his sins, they put him on the geriatric ward. No doubt, old bottoms do need to be wiped but not by a slightly unstable twenty year old who wanted to play the violin.

      Point of this anecdote and going back to morphine: He had access to all types of pills. Freely. Possibly unthinkable now. Don’t know. Brought them back home. There was a whole drawer full of them. Stupidly, I never thought about it. Until one evening I came home late at night from a Uni lecture and found him unconscious. He’d swallowed pills to the hilt. The only reason he survived was because our cat, trying to get his comatose attention, managed to knock over the glass with the final concoction. How did he say after they’d pumped out his stomach: I’ll kill that cat.

      He didn’t. And, as far as I know, he is still alive. The cat is dead. Natural causes.Old age.


      Comment by bitchontheblog — November 13, 2012 @ 10:17 | Reply

  3. Isn’t it crappy when our bodies refuse to cooperate the way they used to? Feel better soon – morphine or no.

    Comment by writingfeemail — November 14, 2012 @ 02:34 | Reply

    • Thank you, Renee. I am fine. I have this theory that the healthier you are the more it knocks you sidewise when your body plays up. Some friends of mine come to mind who have ‘ailed’ – one way or another – since their late teens. Whilst they appear healthy I wouldn’t wish their various conditions on anyone. Yet, they are quite sanguine about it.

      The only things I am used to are occasional (short lived) raging fevers and losing my voice. There was one memorable occasion when my sister came to visit. I had had tonsillitis, some other itis and laryngitis back to back. She must have been very happy. All week the only one doing the talking was her.

      So, yes, Marlene Dietrich is not the only one with a slightly rasping voice.


      Comment by bitchontheblog — November 14, 2012 @ 20:54 | Reply

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