Bitch on the Blog

December 29, 2012


Filed under: Fairy Tales — bitchontheblog @ 15:24

Have decided to change career. I currently do not have a garden which will not stop me from becoming a witch. At age twelve I had romantic  notion of becoming a nun. Now I have found my true vocation: Fling a frog or two into the cauldron. Stand by. Wait for explosion. Keep stirring. Don’t get distracted. Think Risotto. Risotto needs close attention. Which is why I prefer anything with a lid on, that can be shoved into the oven without consequence. Slowly falling off the bone.

All I need now is a broom and some flying lessons. And a new wardrobe. I shall be the Vivienne Westwood of witches, sprinkled with a little Zandra Rhodes: No black for me. Orange will be fine. If any of you have kittens you consider drowning please do let me know. One will do. Colour immaterial as long as it’s not white.

What else to put on my wish list? Apart from the elusive? An eye patch. Be careful what you wish for.

You’ll find me where it says: “Zee trespassing of wizards and fellow witches always welcome. Hansel and Gretel keep out!”




  1. “Fling a frog or two into the cauldron.”

    I can tell you something about frogs. Put them in warm water (or cold water). Have an easy step-out of it route. Heat the water. They don’t climb out. We would when it got too hot for comfort. The water boils & they cook.

    Comment by bikehikebabe66 — December 29, 2012 @ 17:55 | Reply

    • from my son-in-law:

      “This idea has been dispelled by contemporary science. It is now just a handy metaphor used to describe people who lack the ability to adjust to gradual but significant change in their life.”

      He’s right. I heard this at a psychology retreat when my daughter was there.

      “The point I was trying to make was DON’T BOIL FROGS!” (quote of son-in-law)

      Comment by bikehikebabe66 — December 29, 2012 @ 22:11 | Reply

      • Greetings to your son-in-law: “… who lack the ability to adjust to gradual but significant change in their life” is inspired and most certainly fodder for thought. However, what will I need to boil (at whatever temperature) to adjust to very sudden, unexpected and significant changes in my life, leaving a lingering stench which won’t go away? Please do send recipe.


        Comment by bitchontheblog — December 30, 2012 @ 10:43 | Reply

  2. Edit– a psychology retreat at UCSB when my daughter was there.

    Comment by bikehikebabe66 — December 29, 2012 @ 22:16 | Reply

  3. I’m all for your new professional direction, but could you dial down the animal cruelty aspect? Leave the little critters alive–their powers will work for you a lot better if they remain animated. You’ll just have to trust me on this one, U. 😉

    Comment by Lorna's Voice — January 2, 2013 @ 18:02 | Reply

    • Oh, Lorna, have no fear. I wouldn’t touch a frog with a barge pole. Some creatures give me the colly wobbles. Still, boiling frogs comes with the job description of being a witch. A bit like following a recipe. You can’t boil an egg without an egg.


      Comment by bitchontheblog — January 16, 2013 @ 20:38 | Reply

      • That’s why I’m a vegan! No need for eggs. I wonder if there are vegan witches. I’m sure that there are…

        Comment by Lorna's Voice — January 23, 2013 @ 13:59 | Reply

        • I have a good friend who is a vegan. She’s a medical doctor but won’t practice because she hates medicine. She has 6 kids & doesn’t want anyone in the room when she delivers them. (Her sister is a motorcycle cop in the drug area in Detroit. Other sister composes music, sings & travels for that with her violin.)

          Heather (the Dr. friend) “would eat an egg if the chicken gave it to her.” (I’m quoting her.) Same with milk–if the cow wanted her to have it. She created a small local group, foodnerds, of which I’m a member. (I’m weird too.) We get our fruits & veg. cheaper than the stores. Olive oil comes from Greece. Miso & “sea vegetables”, coconut oil, spices & herbs, etc. all from different places.

          Why don’t you eat an egg?

          Comment by bikehikebabe66 — January 23, 2013 @ 15:50 | Reply

          • It would have been a living creature. That’s why no eggs. I’ve given up eating anything that had a face or comes from something that did. And I feel healthier because of it, too. Fewer intestinal or digestive issues, skin problems have resolved themselves, no “seasonal” allergies, … Still dizzy, but that seems to be an immune system issue.

            Comment by Lorna's Voice — January 25, 2013 @ 21:14 | Reply

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