Bitch on the Blog

July 12, 2013

Lost on the way

Filed under: Friends — bitchontheblog @ 08:01
Tags: , , , , ,

Don’t know yet where this post is leading and will end. Just read a rather moving account of a long standing (female/female) friendship gone wrong.

Over a lifetime you will shed the odd friendship. By carelessness not intent. No big deal. Best case scenario: Fond memories.

I am not careless, so I rarely misplace a friend. I might phone someone twenty years on – and what do you know? You are skipping along as if it were yesterday. Others not so.

Some thirty years ago I fell into friendship with a colleague. She was great in her job, a little short changed in her private life. I could wax lyrical about the breakfasts she and I used to have. And how she snored to bring the house down. And generally what a lovely person she was. Unfortunately, she was one of those women who needs a man. To feel fully validated. So she fell hook, line and stinker for the first and biggest asshole imaginable and available. I know he was an asshole because he was one of the hot shots in our company, albeit a different branch but would visit ours every so often. To say I didn’t detest the guy is like saying I wouldn’t mind drinking my own urine. Yes. So they got married. I have no idea why. He had no interest in her whatsoever. And so the saga unfolded. She HAD to give up her job, the job she so loved. She was marooned in a house in the country side far far away from the metropole she so loved. She did beg him to “allow” her to have a dog for company. A request which was granted. She wrote me letters which shook me. And I was only reading them, not living their content. Eventually they had a son. Then he left her for … the next Mrs ………. So far so common.

However, going back to the original idea for this train of thought:  Not long after her wedding I myself got married. I wanted HER to be there. But I did not want her husband. Unfortunately, couples appear to come in twos. Ludicrous. More of which another time. What is important in the narrative: My wedding was a small affair: Say 25 people or so. In a big wedding you can ‘lose’ plonkers. At a small wedding the asshole will stand out. And ruin everything. She didn’t forgive me for not inviting her husband. Neither did she have the guts to turn up on her own. I managed to contact her a few years ago. There is no give. Not that I blame her. She knows I told her so. And that is a painful reminder indeed.




  1. A friend ” dumped me” a few years ago.
    There was no explanation
    And I was hurt beyond measure.
    Now, 8 years on… It feels fine.
    They had their reasons….( I still think that they should have had the balls to tell me..but it feels ok not to know)
    What did I learn?
    I learnt I could be clingy

    Not I have learnt not to be
    So it did me good

    Comment by John — July 12, 2013 @ 10:47 | Reply

    • John, I was dumped by a friend, ca 2009. Neither a dumper or dumpee ever be. And I never was either. It was a first for me. Took me forever (say, three years) to get over it. Yes, GG. Gay guy. I had severe misgivings right from the beginning of our friendship. Emotional radar sending warning bells early on. Still, he worshipped the ground I was walking on. And he was amusing. I relented. More than once. Follow your instinct – is what I say. I didn’t. Never mind. Grew to love the guy – as much as love between a gay man and a straight woman is possible.

      Then, years on, from one moment to the next he told me he’d follow his psychiatrist’s advice – sever the cord. And that was that. Am not happy to admit It: I raged, I pleaded, I charmed, I went ballistic. To no avail. Silence.

      However, and this is where it becomes interesting, truly interesting: He had me in a DOUBLE bind. Very early on in our relationship he made me PROMISE to never ever abandon him. No matter what.

      So, guess what: No sooner does he show me the exit I become a back door stalker. Most ludicrous situation I have ever found myself – in any relationship.

      I rarely write to him now. Not because I don’t want to. When I do – anecdotal stuff – it’s to let him know I am here. That I do keep my promise. Yes, the faithful back door stalker. Won’t mention that on my next CV/resume.

      You mention ‘clingy’. You know, John, and it breaks my heart to even contemplate the thought: I am the least clingy person I know. Yet … there is superglue. Main thing is to remember the good times. The pleasure we derive from each other before it all goes pear shaped.


      Comment by bitchontheblog — July 12, 2013 @ 20:01 | Reply

  2. Let me quote an icon despite knowing your aversion to quotes. “Being honest may not get a lot of friends, but it will always get you the right ones.” ~ John Lennon.

    Comment by Rummuser — July 12, 2013 @ 13:39 | Reply

    • Quite. Those I count as good friends will be brutally ‘honest. I expect nothing less.

      I once drove eight hundred miles to see a friend, my longest standing one, had a wonderful evening, and then he, as only he can, let rip.

      That night I not only endangered my own but my son’s life. Driving back to the hotel I was incensed. I slammed on the accelerator, going through curves in the road at speed. Once the Angel was asleep I cried a river. The next morning I filled the tank and we drove back to England. Did it make any difference to my friendship with this man? No, it didn’t. Those you can phone at three in the morning, who will listen to you, speak to you, are entitled to say whatever they like.


      Comment by bitchontheblog — July 12, 2013 @ 20:22 | Reply

  3. I’ve written a bit, perhaps a lot, about these kinds of situations. Some “droppings” have baffled me. Others I’ve dropped and regretted but not in a nice way, I relive the experience and enrage myself for wanting the friend back. Everyone I let go of has clawmarks all over them. Can’t seem to stop though I give the impression of moving on. And maybe I do. But I’m fair haunted at times.

    Comment by wisewebwoman — July 13, 2013 @ 05:15 | Reply

    • Dear Web Wise Woman, I can relate to your ‘haunted at times’. My memories, good and not so good, being the tapestry of my life. Today being tomorrow’s yesterday.

      I’d say my life is a lucky one. Not because there aren’t stumbles. But by dint of nature, and I do appreciate it, I pick myself up, dust myself down, with many tears in the process, but will not be axed. I can’t take any credit for it. It’s just the way I am. As are my parents. Two thousand years ago I might have made a good and a very bad Stoic, by the same token.

      The last five years have been a test to my mettle. The person I trusted most, my sister, bringing my world down. I learnt a lesson. The biggest lesson of my life. As hard as it’s been I know one thing for certain: No one but no one will bring me to my knees. Close. But not quite.

      Great metaphor of life you mention: Your picture of ‘clawmarks’. I love cats. And no one will leave more clawmarks than a kitten. Sharp. Ouch on impact. Healing quickly. Easily forgotten because of the cat’s charm.

      There is a bitter sweetness in what you write on your blog. Living a life. As to your (impression of) ‘moving on’, WWW. Yes, sure. People are always rushing one “to move on”. Makes them more comfortable once you’ve “moved on”. What I say: All in good time. There is no rush.

      Good to hear from you.


      Comment by bitchontheblog — July 13, 2013 @ 06:23 | Reply

  4. Not surprisingly I am reminded of lines in many songs – the gist of which all boil down to “you can’t please everyone so you’ve got to please yourself”. Sad to lose a friend of long standing. Stuff happens. Lines that should not be crossed get crossed. Friendship is what it is – good and bad.

    Comment by Chuck McConvey — July 15, 2013 @ 20:33 | Reply

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