Bitch on the Blog

August 1, 2013

All is well

Filed under: Nature — bitchontheblog @ 17:19

Should you ever need to down swell your eyes look no further than two ice cold slices of cucumber. Assuming you still do have TWO eyes. Lie down. For five minutes. Close eyes. Press those slices into the sockets of your eyes. Turn remote control to your brain to “off”. Get up and pretend.




  1. Um…do you have to turn brainonbefore getting up? Also, do you have to remove cucumber slices before getting up. Alternatively, does the pretend but consist of prtending you meant to walk around with cucumber stuck in your eye sockets?

    By the way, after application to eyes is the cucumber still suitable for salmon and cucumber sandwiches? Waste not, want not.

    Comment by magpie11 — August 1, 2013 @ 19:11 | Reply

    • That comes from being oblique in my prose. It’s what I love about being me: I know what I mean. Sod the rest of humanity.

      Right, let’s start again: Copious amounts of tears were shed. They kept coming. Till they stopped. Leaving my eyes the size of golf balls. Which in itself doesn’t matter. Swollen eyes will de-swell (yes, I know it’s not a word – now it is) in time. Except that I didn’t have time as I had an appointment. Pronto. It’s an old trick: Works like magic. You lie down – it’s recommended because it’s hard to see what you are doing when, effectively, you are blind. Also, if you were upright those cucumber slices wouldn’t have anything to hang on to. Five minutes down time.The reason I turned my brain off purely to avoid further crying. The ‘pretend’ bit when you show the world your face and, well, pretend that all is well. Hoping that no one will say a kind word to you because, for reasons I don’t understand, when all is not well, a kind word makes me all well up – again. As an aside: I wonder how many times one can weave ‘well’ into a sentence without repeating oneself.

      To answer your question: I wouldn’t recommend it. On the other hand: If you were a prisoner of war living on potato peel then I am sure you couldn’t care less what those two cucumber slices were up to. Mind you, cucumber has no calorie value whatsoever. Essentially it’s water in the shape of a cucumber. Green.


      Comment by bitchontheblog — August 2, 2013 @ 04:54 | Reply

  2. Will slices of extra thin ham do the same thing?

    Comment by John going gently — August 1, 2013 @ 22:48 | Reply

  3. I get up and pretend. A lot. Should be a motto. Or something.

    Comment by wisewebwoman — August 2, 2013 @ 22:01 | Reply

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