Bitch on the Blog

August 11, 2013

Upside down

I dare say that, among all of you, I am the only one who can identify with this heartfelt sentiment (haven’t got the journalist’s name – June 2013):

“I started out in life with nothing. At 43 I still have most of it left. In terms of failure I am quite a success.”

Why am I laughing when I should be crying, not least because MY success trumps HIS in terms of age? As careers go I am the CEO and CFO of my life. The CFO largely sleeping on the job and my CMO (Chief Marketing Officer) should have long been fired. Yes, you can tell, can’t you: I am trying to show off my newly acquired business speak. Keeping up with the times, in-speak and all that.

If only I weren’t so marriage averse. God damn it. If I found myself either a Richard Gere or an Oil Sheikh I could afford myself the title of Head of M&A (Mergers and Acquisitions). And get dressed.

Yes, so if any of you want me to wait at your table I don’t come cheap but will service with a smile.




  1. Having been a CMO and a CEO, and being more or less in the same current status as you appear to be, with the same ambition of finding a heiress to come to my rescue, I can state one thing very clearly. You and I are not, repeat not bankrupt yet. I have been there and come out of it and am not scared of that prospect any more. Keep dreaming. A sheikh on a camel may yet appear.

    Comment by rummuser — August 12, 2013 @ 01:54 | Reply

    • I don’t want to dream, Ramana. Particularly not about sheikhs. I want to do it all by myself – well, with a little help. Or even a lot of help. And I have had help and support. Sometimes from totally unexpected quarters. Now I need to spin all that straw into gold. And find merchants happy to take it off me – at a good price.


      Comment by bitchontheblog — August 13, 2013 @ 12:09 | Reply

  2. If you are CEO please don’t treat yourself in the way that my son’s is treating him. Accusing him of fraud because he claimed more overtime pay than the company decided he is entitled to.

    In the mean time I hope Ursula Inc does well.

    Comment by magpie11 — August 12, 2013 @ 10:23 | Reply

    • Ursula Inc does suffer from all that most fledgling businesses do – even if the business is just you selling your time: The curse of cashflow. Cashflow is the fairy which keeps the waters running.

      I once had a brilliant boss – she and her business partner had just started a practice, three branches: London, Milton Keynes, Manchester when I joined them. Yes, Maggie, remember her so very fondly. Now a young business is totally dependent on cashflow. Naturally, in those days “the cheque was always in the post”. At least that excuse wouldn’t wash in today’s fast forward the fee. So she devised this little stamp which we’d put on second and third invoice reminders to client, supplier, whatever, depicting a little man, head on his desk with the inscription: “Died waiting”.

      Luckily she was not only able to charm the socks of our bank manager but her husband provided the odd cash injection in the early days. It’s an odd fact of life: You need money to make money. And the more you have the more you will make.

      Anyway, great success story. And she deserved every little bit of it. This is now slowly becoming an ode to a woman I admire greatly so I’ll leave it here.


      Comment by bitchontheblog — August 13, 2013 @ 12:29 | Reply

  3. This reminds me that the person who needed to “wait at your table” when I was staying at the sheikh’s house was the maid. Technically, she had no time to “wait”, since she was harried non-stop from 4am until 10pm every day by the Little Rascals and the wives and the mother. Whether this is a good deal or not depends a lot on things like exchange rates and PPP (Purchasing Power Parity). Hopefully you will be able to send a few pounds back to the Angel.

    Comment by Looney — August 12, 2013 @ 12:36 | Reply

    • Yes, cultural differences. Father of son kept reminding me of this, not least with a dire warning to not take a Japanese eighteen year old English language student into our house: “She’ll treat you like a servant.” And she did. It was extraordinary. Well, that didn’t last long. The language school found her another place three weeks in.

      My next, and last, a Brazilian girl. She was warm, bouncy, all the cliches you expect from a Brazilian. Amazing fun – and a great headache at night. It’s when I decided that maybe looking after other people’s daughters best avoided. Oh, the relief when I heard the key in the door, middle of the night, her back in one piece. Next morning, her still comatose, I’d phone the language school lying through my teeth why she wouldn’t show up till 2 pm.

      My being “able to send a few pounds back to the Angel”, Looney? More likely the other way round.


      Comment by bitchontheblog — August 13, 2013 @ 12:43 | Reply

  4. At least you’re still here–on the up-side of the dirt. If you weren’t, you wouldn’t couldn’t be thinking these thoughts. At least you haven’t run Ursula, LLC into the ground… 😉

    Comment by Lorna's Voice — August 12, 2013 @ 13:48 | Reply

    • Thank you, Lorna. “Dirt” being the operative word. I should dig a trench, come to think of it. And open “friendly” fire. Have never understood what that expression means. Sounds good. I take it no one dies.


      Comment by bitchontheblog — August 13, 2013 @ 12:45 | Reply

      • Yeah, it’s an oxymoron. Or just a moronic term. No friend of mine would fire on me. And people die. Oh, they die.

        Comment by Lorna's Voice — August 13, 2013 @ 18:03 | Reply

  5. At 66 I still have nothing, except for a house jointly owned with Jenny. I never had anything resembling a career, I don’t have millions stashed in tax havens and I have no children. But I’m quite satisfied with my non-achievements.

    Comment by nick — August 13, 2013 @ 14:27 | Reply

  6. You probably won’t believe this but I have been told that I resemble Richard Gere several times so maybe I should call over one of these evenings, you know for a bit, nooo I mean for a bit of a chat and wicked drink or three, I will be the perfect gentleman of course, as you would expect from someone as innocent as me, never wicked or naughty too, I mean too naughty well one of those anyway.

    So you see, things are looking up already and as you are a mere forty three, I can’t believe that as you look much younger and I a toy-boy lookalike then we should have lots of fun, I might even help you get dressed once or twice a week if you are like? Okay I will behave, besides if you are waiting at my table the least I can do is be good.

    Have a wondrously enjoyable sweet and wicked rest of Tuesday and a Wednesday of nonstop awesomeness…

    Andro, I mean Richard xxxx

    Comment by Gray Dawster — August 13, 2013 @ 22:22 | Reply

    • No, I don’t believe you. Anyway, this is not about me having a crush on Richard Gere. Though his smile and his style do bowl me over.

      Call me shallow but there are moments when I indulge in a little ‘rescue me’ fantasy a la “Pretty Woman”. Fight it as I may: It is lovely to be taken care of. Occasionally. I just love those scenes where she walks into high class boutiques, Boulevard What’s It, in her clothes screaming not so much ‘hooker’ as ‘carefree’, being sneered at. As soon as the concierge pulls a few strings and Gere’s character flashes his cards they are all at her feet. Stinks to high heaven. Actually, have been doing an ongoing, and deliberate, study on the subject of ‘perception’ for a while. You walk into a high class shop looking a bit down on the heel. You will be given the cold shoulder. Next time, say a week later given that most shop assistants’ attention span no longer than that of a gnat so they won’t remember your face, you walk in with all your finery. Suddenly you are “Madam”. Remember: I am the same person. Only differently kitted out. Confirms my long held view that few lessons are better learnt than “Clothes maketh the man”. To be continued …


      PS I am not 43. I am 143 going on 5.

      Comment by bitchontheblog — August 14, 2013 @ 16:27 | Reply

  7. I know what you mean about those snotty looking boutique assistants, if one doesn’t resemble Julia Roberts or Jamie Lee Curtis then they just do not want to know them and are quite often rude to customers that are somewhat less beautified shall we say? Snobs are always like that I guess. I am now picturing you in your finery, one hundred and forty three you say, no chance. Just another lovely looking customer for those assistants to creep around, hoping for lots of sales.

    I certainly wouldn’t be welcome in any of those boutiques I can tell you, just one look at me and they would be showing me the door, regardless of whether or not I could afford those pricey OTT Armani suits. I know what you mean about the indulgence of fantasy, sort of picturing the scene with Jamie Lee Curtis and Arnold Schwarzenegger doing their version of the Tango in the film True Lies, now that is class, and fantasy I guess but wasn’t she just a peach in that film?

    Okay back to reality Ursula my sweet and great friend, oh yes
    and don’t worry, I can’t Tango to save my life so you are safe…

    Andro xxxx

    Comment by Gray Dawster — August 14, 2013 @ 17:02 | Reply

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