I am not being funny here, or cute, or coquettish. I NEED HELP.
Today 30 people have looked at my ‘About Me’. It’s awful. Why can’t people just read what I write? Anyway, can’t let the side down further than it has already sunk.
I will now delete the lot and do what we all do at the beginning of September (ask the ever entertaining Charles bronxboy55 who has life sussed to an extent I don’t even begin to aspire to), pencils sharpened, a new leaf, a new life, the future is mine.
No self respecting pupil/student will not glean from those sitting next to us. Which was why teachers would put a lot of space between us. Come to think of it … doesn’t matter. That thought can wait till any grandchildren you may entertain have grown up. Mustn’t mess with the innocent.
And before you jump to conclusions: My self esteem so inflated I NEVER (it’s true) cheated. If I really didn’t have a clue I’d just leave. One memorable occasion in Maths I put my pen down, left the page blank, left the room, left that Rumpelstilzkin of a teacher incandescent and generally left – till called to see the headmistress. Not my finest hour. But an enjoyable hour.
Let me know what you think I should put in that most dastardly, inhibiting and generally superfluous section of a blog. I always wanted to delegate. Why do a job when someone else does it better?
U
Bitch on the Blog 
What is this ‘About me’ thing people are looking at?
Comment by magpie11 — August 25, 2013 @ 11:34 |
Dear Innocent, it’s what people look at to suss you out, by way of shortcut. When I first started this blog malarkey I called it “I am who I am” (you’ll find it on the right hand side). First I sold myself as a hedgehog (prickly). The last few months felt compelled, under pressure, to do the odd update. Being so lame it was beyond limping. Which is why I deleted it yesterday. One does have standards. Am now back to the drawing board since I do not wish those interested in me to feel short changed. It’s just that I can’t rev up the enthusiasm to describe myself. Not least because I hate encouraging prejudice and preconceived ideas.
As I have said before, and someone else out there knows all about it: I recoil at writing resumes. Once upon a time it was easy: Went to school. Got a job. Now I have to repackage myself to an extent that a knot has nothing on me. Wish I were a dentist. Or an accountant. Once a dentist always a dentist. Once you add it all up you will always add it all up.
It is simple: I am who I am. But in the age of Wikipedia and everyone in the grip of google and Hello Magazine people want to know. Know what? Exactly? I give plenty away between the sheets. To be fair: I am as guilty as the next person. I too look at “about” pages when a person awakens my interest in them. In my case mainly to see where there are located geographically. it doesn’t do merrily spouting about Canadians when your correspondent lives in Toronto. Down under I do not go. They’ll set a tarantula on you. Angola too harbours the odd serpent. Wales, on the whole, safe. India, beset by their many heavy weight buddhas benign.
Yes, so, if you want to give me a pointer what to say in my blog’s ‘about’ do let me know. No need to flatter. I do not wish to fall foul of whatever that act is called describing goods.
U
Comment by bitchontheblog — August 25, 2013 @ 12:12 |
Ah! Say what seems appropriate… or just tell a whole , what is the collective noun?, of porky pies! Have fun…
Comment by magpie11 — August 26, 2013 @ 11:05 |
Could my “About” page be a template of sorts? Factual and just a wee bit funny?
Comment by Rummuser — August 25, 2013 @ 15:29 |
Thank you for offering yourself as a template. Unfortunately I am willful (ask my father and I quote, and not for the first time: “Do you REALLY have to reinvent the wheel, Ursula?”. No, I don’t have to. But I’d like to. I want to. Painful as it may be.) Secondly, I am too vain to use other people’s templates.
Please don’t use the word ‘wee’ in my presence. It’s sounds oddly twee to my ears.
“Funny”? You can have funny. It has been said that I have missed my true vocation. Years ago even the Angel (remember we do live in close proximity and he has known me all his life) suggested I might take up stand-up comedy. He described me as a sort of female Dylan Moran (of ‘Black books’ fame – Irish what else). I was/am flattered. Crossed with the adorable Russell Brand. Big hair, big mouth, sarky smile when he takes the piss out of everyone and everything. Yes, so that’s me. Dylan Moran in bed with Russell Brand. At least I am not a woman. Women, rarely, are funny. Or only in that way how a woman will wipe a child’s nose. Not particularly gently. More matter of fact. Where were we…
U
Comment by bitchontheblog — August 26, 2013 @ 08:07 |
A Rorschack Test image might be appropriate for our times. Do you prefer to have your reality and your existence related? Or perhaps decoupled? e.g. I am not who I am.
Comment by Looney — August 26, 2013 @ 00:54 |
You have got me exercised here, Looney: “Do I prefer to have my reality and my existence related?” One would hope so. Otherwise you really may venture into the land of the Rohrschach butterfly. To then, possibly, be decanted into a cuckoo’s nest. Wings clipped. Still, there is genius in your suggestion: “I am not who I am”. It’s like Kierkegaard. Or, worse, Wittgenstein. You don’t know whether to laugh or to cry in the face of your own incomprehension of the latter.
Which reminds me, and might appeal to the philosopher in you: I do have a “Duenndruck Ausgabe” dtv-bibliothek (1976) of Kierkegaard’s “Die Krankheit zum Tode und anderes” on my shelf. So far so nothing. However, and I find it slightly creepy given the book’s title, the spine (2 cm wide) is totally faded. It’s white. It’s so white that I can identify the book by the very whiteness of its spine. The one and only. Eerie.
U
Comment by bitchontheblog — August 26, 2013 @ 07:45 |
I feel your pain Ursula. I have always steered clear of writing anything about myself on such pages.
But in the spirit of helping you out, how about this?
“Ha! I suppose you clicked on this page looking for a biography. Who has time for that? I’m too busy living my life in the real world and on my other pages. Perhaps long after I’ve perished, someone else may find my life interesting enough to write a biography…”
Or if that’s a bit too elitist, how about the good old standby:
“This page, very much like me, is under construction. Expect delays…”
Comment by Phil — August 26, 2013 @ 04:01 |
You feel my pain, Phil? That is so sweet and compassionate of you.
I had you down as a diplomat. Sweet tongued. No longer. Your first suggestion is downright contemptuous of any reader. I might speak my mind but I don’t want to frighten anyone (or sell myself short come to think of it).
The ‘under construction’ bit, as you say, a little old hat no matter how true. Though I do like your “expect delays”. You know me so well, Phil. Thank you for making me feel like I am sitting on the M25 (a British motorway famed for its standstill) on a Bank Holiday Monday. Like today.
U
Comment by bitchontheblog — August 26, 2013 @ 07:51 |
Well I certainly would not want to scare away any readers, Ursula. Problem is, you are not easily defined on a single page for starters, and certainly not as static as a single portrait, fixed in time any such summary provides. This is why I view the About page as evil. And of course, as with anything that has an element of evil, I’m always tempted to click on other’s About pages…
Comment by Phil — August 28, 2013 @ 12:15 |
My dear Phil, you and evil are as separate as two sides of the same coin.
From now on I will, for my sins, update and add to my ‘about page’ till everyone is sick and tired. I made a good start earlier today by maligning some of my more controlling fellow bloggers. Stating that there are no rules on mine. May mud fly in my comment boxes. A hot shower and clean towels on standby. Socks and boxers too. If you need references look no further than the Angel and my washing machine.
‘Portrait’. Avatar, Atavar whatever it’s called. Sore point you have raised there. Was reminded it’s a bit yesterday. If not before. Yeah, well, it depicts me as I see myself. Golden girl, that particular morning slightly overhung by champagne I myself had splashed out on, happy just having bought a painting for an amount I do wish not to disclose lest no one, ever, will lend me any money again.
Anyway, talking about the living dead, a minute ago having read Andro’s comment over at yours: Your blog clearly in need of the kiss of life. I did do first aid. How much I remember you may not wish to put to the test.
U
Comment by bitchontheblog — August 28, 2013 @ 12:45 |
Why not just write a quick summary of who you are and what you aspire to in life. Though I’m one of those people who seldom read the About Me pages, so that’s a purely academic suggestion.
As for cheating, you wouldn’t believe the amount of plagiarism Jenny’s uni students try to get away with. They never seem to realise the lecturer might have read the bits they’ve so casually lifted.
Comment by nick — August 26, 2013 @ 13:05 |
What I aspire to in in life, Nick? Mainly to inspire. Till I expire. And beyond.
Never tell me I “wouldn’t believe”. Blessed with scepticism I believe anything. Till I disprove you.
U
Comment by bitchontheblog — August 26, 2013 @ 17:35 |
Just a picture of yourself and a wickedly big smile…
Andro xxxx
Comment by Gray Dawster — August 26, 2013 @ 14:08 |
Yes, Andro. KISS. My favourite acronym. Keep it simple, (forget the ‘Stupid’ part).
U
Comment by bitchontheblog — August 26, 2013 @ 17:30 |
Exactly 😉 Sorry about that
but you deserve a wink now and
again you know…
Have a truly delightful evening my sweet friend…
Andro xxxx
Comment by Gray Dawster — August 27, 2013 @ 21:31 |
People are checking your “About Me” page because your posts are cryptic, U. They don’t get you, so they are searching for something witty and wise to say that might impress you. That’s my guess. It’s that, or some college professor assigned his/her students to got to your blog, read your “About Me” page, and write a summary–part of their internet warm-up exercises for the class. Don’t discount that theory.
What to put up on that page? Well, it depends.
Theory 1 (Your posts are so cryptic they readers need help figuring you out): Put an anagram of “Bitch on the Blog” (which would be “To both belching.” This may drive people away from your site in complete confusion, but that may be what you want. I’m not sure.
Theory 2 (college internet assignment): Simply put the following message: “Under construction” (which isn’t altogether incorrect, is it, U?)
I do hope I’ve been helpful. But I have a feeling I haven’t been. 😉
Comment by Lorna's Voice — August 26, 2013 @ 20:15 |
I knew you’d come in useful one day, Lorna. Other than making me laugh on a regular basis.
Anagram? Oh my god! “Belching” (and ‘to both’) would most certainly drive me myself from my own blog. But, should my fan club expand beyond the manageable, I might give your suggestion some consideration. I am good at turning people off. Can’t believe I just said that.
Phil who, from the kindness of his heart, gave me a minute of his time does agree with you on the ‘under construction’. I think it brilliant; except it’s like a worn out slipper. Comfortable but not terribly attractive. But, yes, you are right, essentially that is what we all are: Under construction. Till the whole house of cards falls down.
As to ‘cryptic’. One day I will bite my teeth on this one. Everyone (apart from the Angel) keeps putting this assertion at my doorstep. Trouble is that I, Ursula, always know what I, Ursula, am saying. Not that I hold it against anyone that they are not mind readers. My oldest friend cruelly refuses to enter any written exchange with me because he too claims he can never work out what I am talking about. Considering that he is extremely intelligent it’s pretty damning.
With your feminine touch, and being Lorna, you have helped me enormously in my quest. My only comfort that even Socrates said that all he knows is that he knows he knows nothing.
U
Comment by bitchontheblog — August 27, 2013 @ 10:16 |
Smart man, that Socrates fellow… So that’s why he was always asking questions rather than answering them.
Comment by Lorna's Voice — August 27, 2013 @ 13:34 |
Why on earth would anyone want the Cliff’s Notes version when the full length story is laid out so nicely in blog after blog and comment after comment? Personally I never checked it until this post/ I always just figured you enjoy the debate and will do or say whatever strikes your fancy to get/keep the ball moving along. Not sure I agree with Lorna – I don’t find your posts cryptix – more direct and delivered in a staccatto style that makes the reader pay attention.
Comment by Chuck McConvey — August 28, 2013 @ 12:25 |