Bitch on the Blog

December 22, 2013


Filed under: Amusement,Errors,Friends,Happiness — bitchontheblog @ 17:03
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Sweethearts, it’s Christmas. Christmas and nuts go hand in hand like Paul Newman and his poker. Or so you think.

Think again. On my way back from the fishmongers (one of the few with just a slab, ice, and lots of fish) and happy with my bounty thrown in for free (fishheads to make stock/broth from scratch) I went to my favourite Asian  shop. I do realize that Asia covers a large area – so can’t be sure of what provenance they are. All I know is that it appears only men (Asian) shop there and the shop keeper – who is very sweet and smiley in a sort of Asian distant way – seems to think me an oddity. I only bought 250 g of Walnuts. Buy a few – test – come back later. Since Asian men don’t talk much, other than “Are you sure that’s enough?”, I didn’t explain that I am a stickler for quality control. Not least with nuts. Hard shell. Excellent. But what’s inside.

Yes, nuts. So I went home, cracked one or two – and they were brilliant. Brilliant. Unfortunately – three nuts in –  my nutcracker (simple design) decided to die on me. It’s all in the hinge. You know the weakest link? The one deciding factor to make your world fall apart?

I don’t like weak links. They are pathetic. I don’t know much about ‘passive-aggressive’ but I’d say weak links (not least in nut crackers) are spiteful little (BIG) ‘look at me’ shits who render you at their mercy and therefore helpless.

Yes, so whilst Atlantis still sunk and Jason and holy grails no further than when they started their quest other than a few  scars on the way, today’s mission of finding a replacement for my nutcracker fell short. I won’t bore you with the detail. Hilarious as it was. The upshot being that I have an awful lot of nuts and for money, charm, love and thin air (in no particular order) a nutcracker is not to be found. Though the guy in Marks and Spencer and I came to conclusion that a garlic press might (not) be up to the job. I don’t have a garlic press, neither am I in the market for one. As any half bred Italian, Spanish and French (not to mention the Swiss) will know: You don’t press garlic. You smash it with the side of a knife.

What is this? A lesson on implements? It is, come to think of it. You know what? If you want to smash something – use a hammer. Gently. Otherways you have mash. Which reminds me: Once upon a time I had a pestle and mortar. I was attached to it – emotionally. Someone – I know who – stole it from me. Out of spite. No monetary value in it.  Emotional value you can’t put a price on.

So here I am. Christmas looming. And no nut cracker. Still, there are the pacifiers: Tangerines, clementines, mandarins: Easy to peel – providing you do have a thumb.



  1. There must be an online source for nutcrackers. You couldn’t get them before Christmas of course, but you’ll be ready for next year….

    When I was a kid, I used to enjoy cracking open all the nuts, however long it took. Nowadays, I buy all my nuts ready shelled and wonder how on earth I was so masochistic.

    Comment by nick — December 22, 2013 @ 19:21 | Reply

    • Oh, I’ll be “ready for next year”. The FUTURE rarely being the problem. What of the NOW?

      Your comment reminding me of how one cracks (one of two) nuts between one’s palms. Can’t say it’s particularly comfortable. Which raises the next question: How far are we prepared to go to achieve desired result? Ask a squirrel.

      “Ready shelled”? Nick, do not go the path of least resistance. It’s unsatisfactory.


      Comment by bitchontheblog — December 22, 2013 @ 21:43 | Reply

  2. if you have a lobster/crab cracker that will do the job. Or practise with a small hammer. I’m with you on fresh nuts, those shelled jobbies have nothing to do with fresh.

    Comment by wisewebwoman — December 22, 2013 @ 21:31 | Reply

    • Dear WWW, I have shed a tear ( and smiled) more than once during your last few (personal) insights into human nature.

      Hammer it is. Thumb being under strict instruction to keep out of the way.


      Comment by bitchontheblog — December 22, 2013 @ 21:48 | Reply

  3. Happy Christmas Ursula my old nutty friend

    Comment by John — December 22, 2013 @ 21:41 | Reply

    • John, you not only of Rooster fame. The golden one who now rests for eternity. Bloody broke my heart. Talk about life on a ‘farm’ by proxy.

      “She is as essential to me as breathing”. Your friend Nu so lucky. I am not given to envy yet felt a little pang there. You paid her the ultimate compliment.

      Where is a raisin (or do you prefer sultanas?) when trying to chew a date? I am not much into cost/benefit analysis. It’s so petty. Totally against nature. Still, there ARE kernels, pips and stones. For reasons I can’t remember now I was told that kernels, pips and stones – if swallowed – will get lodged in your digestive track to ill effect. Maybe. I wouldn’t know. I have survived so far. And that white button – many a decade ago – did reappear unblemished. To my wonderment (and disgust – isn’t there such a thing as discretion these days?).

      And a Happy Christmas to you too, John. And Albert and Bosoms and Winifred. And Chris.


      Comment by bitchontheblog — December 22, 2013 @ 22:19 | Reply

  4. Hello there….. nutcrackers? Somewhere there is a pair of the most pathetic nutcrackers ever produced. A wedding present from my mother who bought them a) because they looked “trendy” in a late 60’s /early 70’s designer sort of way and b) because my aunt, her sister, wanted to but them for us….
    Walnuts are ususally easy to deal with. If you cannot crack them against each other in your fist then a strong knife inserted into the back side (as it were)of the shell and twisted usually works. Rather like shucking an oyster I imagine. Hazels usually succumb to a strong set of teeth, “What esle are teeth for?.” said my oldest friend a dentist when I told him that I do this. He did draw the line at removing the tops of beer bottles. Soft shell almond are the same but idefy anyone to get into a hard shell almong with out a Kango Hammer at the very least. Similarly with brazils.
    You mightgather from all this that I love nuts, human and botanical.

    Why can one no longer buy those wonderful triangualr packs of Muscatel Raisins and Almonds fom my youth? I am asure that I was in love with the Spanish Lady whose portrait adorned them.

    Take care little bear and have an enoyable festive season.

    Comment by magpie11 — December 22, 2013 @ 23:22 | Reply

  5. Us poor Asians use either our teeth, not a pretty sight for the faint hearted, or just the edge of our palms to crack open nuts. If both are fragile, a tolling pin to tap on the ridge of the nut should do the trick. You can also give this a shot –

    Comment by Rummuser — December 23, 2013 @ 00:53 | Reply

  6. From one fresh nut to another – Happy Christmas to you Ursula! You may have to resort to those decorative Christmas nutcrackers as an emergency measure. Surely the department stores have some on display this time of year.

    Comment by Phil — December 23, 2013 @ 06:10 | Reply

  7. We’re having a proper ice storm over here. Saw a man using a hammer to break the ice on his truck. Talk about nuts! Happy Christmas, my dearest U. May you get all that you wish for, or at least most of what you deserve! 😉

    Comment by Lorna's Voice — December 23, 2013 @ 19:27 | Reply

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