Bitch on the Blog

February 18, 2014

By nature – Gardeners are a miserable lot

Filed under: Earth,Farming,Happiness — bitchontheblog @ 00:40
Tags: ,

It’s not good. And it’s getting worse.

I don’t know what my life expectancy is. I am modest. So don’t expect much. But, for sake of maths forgetting genes and taking my doubt into account, let’s say I have another thirty years. If I keep going like I have the last few weeks I won’t need my book shelves so much as a garden. I am fed up with print. Absolutely totally fed up. Let’s be fair. Maybe not so much print as content. Yes, so I’d like to have a garden again. It is so maddening that I don’t know where. Which country. People say the world is my oyster. HA. My oyster has shut up, clammed up. Where there is too much choice indecision will set in. Like mould. The only anchor in flying sand round my ears is the Angel. One does need a reference point in life. Purpose.

In the meantime I might preserve lemons. I like lemons. They are yellow (my favourite colour), they are friendly (as am I) and they smile (as I do at you).  And they taste good. Talk about win win.

I wish I had a cat. They are good at giving you feedback without suffocating you. The only reason I didn’t get another cat because cats are wild at heart and you  can’t keep them in an inner city flat. Amounts to cruelty. Back in the early Eighties a friend of mine kept a Siamese in his apartment. The apartment being next door to mine. At night he’d send me little Morse code  signals through our joint adjoining walls (he was gay – and a hairdresser; probably dead now). His cat was bonkers. The most neurotic being I have ever encountered. Other than a particular blogger who is so bonkers the Angel is questioning my sanity as to why I even bother to read her stuff. Well, there is such a thing as “morbid fascination”.

Big sigh. I wish I could dig over a garden. Plant seeds. And bulbs. Chase squirrels digging up same bulbs. Curse cats doing what cats do – namely, digging up – without malice – that which you had hoped will become a flower rather than a toilet. Give a beer bath to the ever encrouching army of slugs and snails. They are good at lacing all your greenery.  And then there are Nasturtiums. Edible flowers in other words. I don’t know how restaurants do it. All my Nasturtiums were always infested (in biblical proportions) with blackfly. Disgusting.

I like doing battle with nature. Mainly because I am a meadow person. I don’t mind weeds. Nothing manicured for me. But god damn it: Can’t one expect at least  one radish for one’s efforts? It’s why I like courgettes/zucchini. They grow and grow and grow and grow. Unperturbed. In any old condition. In the meantime they spout beautiful yellow flowers (see above reference lemon) which you can stuff to great effect. No blackfly in sight.

I am sickening for something.



  1. My lemon tree has been faithfully producing hundreds of yellow lemons each year for over a decade. The problem is the peach tree: The gardener keeps over trimming it each fall, which results in a small crop that is consumed entirely by the squirrels. Now I am thinking about putting a trap out to catch the gardener.

    Comment by Looney — February 18, 2014 @ 01:06 | Reply

    • Thanks for the laugh, Looney. Just in time before trying to locate my bed.

      Good night.

      Comment by bitchontheblog — February 18, 2014 @ 01:13 | Reply

  2. Try for an Allotment. I believe it is highly therepeutic! The gardening I mean. 🙂

    Comment by rummuser — February 18, 2014 @ 01:28 | Reply

  3. So why are you fed up with print?

    Comment by nick — February 18, 2014 @ 07:25 | Reply

    • I don’t know, Nick. It’s like a malaise that has come over me. A vague feeling of nausea. A question mark over my habits. Or maybe it’s a case (which I suspect) of diminishing returns.

      To stick with the gardening metaphor: Weeding is good. Not obsessively. Just occasionally when you can’t see the wheat for the chaff any more.


      Comment by bitchontheblog — February 18, 2014 @ 10:43 | Reply

  4. Nasturtiums? I should hate them having been thrashed for disobeying mother and going out in the rain to pick her a bunch but I don’t…… the leaves are good and the seeds can be used as substitute thingies…. I’ve forgotten what they are called… little roundish green things usually pickled ….. Nasturtiums are members of the same family as watercress, another peppery salad leaf.
    The othe use of nasturtiums is to keep the green fly off the broad beans… not that it ever works for me.

    You could always pop up here and help me on my allotment….. perhaps not as it is suffering from the weather…… not only its own share of the rain but also the run off from the tennis courts. SQUELCH.

    You have reminded me that my actual garden is in need of a good “makeover” ….. weather allowing.

    Got it…. CAPERS!

    Comment by magpie11 — February 18, 2014 @ 11:11 | Reply

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