Bitch on the Blog

February 23, 2014


Filed under: Health — bitchontheblog @ 12:58

The first time I understood the mechanics of addiction was when I was given morphine (under medical supervision) about three years ago. Pain [of my broken and dislocated arm] subsided and I was blissed out other than them taking my blood pressure every thirty minutes. I was on cloud nine. The Angel kept calling the hospital ward throughout the night to find out how I was. Apparently the nurse on duty kept telling him: Your mother is fine.

And I was [fine]. Frightening when you let yourself think about it.

This minute and for the last fortnight I feel so crap I wish there were a remedy. Anything. Last night I couldn’t sleep so I watched a Philip Seymour Hoffman film. He does pain so well. Before your condolences flood in. Don’t. He is dead and I never get ill. But do lose my voice usually in January or February. Every year. Amicably accompanied by a fever. Oh do I wish for my mother’s cool hand on my forehead. The upside being that I can’t say much. The platform is yours.




  1. It is a pity that you are not an Indian. We have songs for every occasion. If I am unable to sleep, I will listen to this and reminisce and before I know what is happening, I will fall asleep.

    Karvaten Badalte Rahe: Lyrics and Translation

    karvate.n badalte rahe.n saarii raat ham
    Tossing and turning in bed, I have been restless the entire night.
    aap kii qasam, aap kii qasam
    I swear by you.
    gham na karo, din judaayii ke bahut hai.n kam
    Do not be sad; the days of our separation are very limited.
    aap kii qasam, aap kii qasam
    I swear by you.

    yaad tum aate rahe ek huuk sii uThtii rahii
    As I remembered you, a sharp pain kept arising in my heart.
    nii.nd mujhse, nii.nd se mai.n, bhaagtii chhuptii rahii
    Sleep and I kept fleeing and hiding from each other.
    raat bhar bairan nigoDii chaa.ndnii chubhtii rahii
    The hostile, wretched moonlight continued to pierce through the entire night.
    aag sii jaltii rahii, girtii rahii shabnam
    A fire kept burning, as the dew continued to fall.
    aap kii qasam, aap kii qasam
    I swear by you.

    jhiil sii aa.nkho.n me.n aashiq Duub ke kho jaayegaa
    Your beloved will get lost by drowning in the loch of your eyes.
    zulf ke saaye me.n dil armaan bharaa so jayegaa
    Under the shadows of your tresses, his hope-filled heart will fall into slumber.
    tum chale jaao, nahii.n to kuchh na kuchh ho jaayegaa
    Please go away, or else something will happen between us.
    Dagmagaa jaaye.nge aise haal me.n qadam
    Our steps will falter out of control under these circumstances.
    aap kii qasam, aap kii qasam
    I swear by you.

    ruuTh jaaye.n ham to tum ham ko manaa lenaa sanam
    Should I sulk, please console me, oh beloved.
    duur ho.n to paas ham ko tum bulaa lenaa sanam
    Should you be far away, please call me to your side, oh beloved.
    kuchh gilaa ho to gale ham ko lagaa lenaa sanam
    Should I make a mistake, please embrace me in forgiveness, oh beloved.
    TuuT na jaaye kabhii yah pyaar kii qasam
    May this vow of love never be broken by us.
    aap kii qasam, aap kii qasam
    I swear by you.

    Comment by rummuser — February 23, 2014 @ 13:39 | Reply

    • Ramana, I too sometimes wish I were Indian. If only because my eyes would be even bigger and darker. And my hand dab at khol to underline my assets.

      I love snow. It’s so white.


      Comment by bitchontheblog — February 24, 2014 @ 11:29 | Reply

  2. I could always perform one of my Gothy balloon dances for you, that should get you off, noooooo I mean get you off to sleep, cheeky. Failing that perhaps I could sing something for you, well at your own risk. actually when you think about it, best you use your own remedies. Still, it’s the thought that counts.

    Hope you feel much better soon Ursula.

    Andro xxxx

    Comment by Gray Dawster — February 23, 2014 @ 14:13 | Reply

    • Thank you, Andro. My voice is still Marlene Dietrich after a night out but at least the fever has abated.


      Comment by bitchontheblog — February 24, 2014 @ 11:22 | Reply

      • This is good to know my sweet friend.

        Andro xxxx

        Comment by Gray Dawster — February 24, 2014 @ 11:50 | Reply

  3. I’ve never been addicted to anything (except maybe the internet) so the mechanics of addiction are a mystery to me. I seem to have a natural tendency towards “moderation in all things.” Well, except my views on the current British government….

    Comment by nick — February 24, 2014 @ 10:54 | Reply

    • I have known many addicts in my life. Not least through my first husband working in a rehabilitation clinic. Crazy stuff. Truly crazy stuff. Heartbreaking when you see people battling their demons. And humbling when you learn how little there is you can do. Though did bake them the odd cake. On a Saturday. When I wasn’t working.

      The night (November 2010) I was given morphine I could see the attraction. I suddenly understood. I try not to develop a habit. Good or bad. A habit is a habit. Redefine yourself every so often. No, actually, forget ‘redefine’. That’s so new age speak I detest. Just check in on yourself every so often.

      Now, if only my brain and attention span stretched as far as to comprehend the rules of poker (with a face I haven’t got to match) you may locate me at the nearest Casino.


      Comment by bitchontheblog — February 24, 2014 @ 11:18 | Reply

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