Bitch on the Blog

March 19, 2014

Cri de coeur

Filed under: Human condition — bitchontheblog @ 07:01
Tags: , , ,

When I was in my late and my sister in her early teens we envisaged the day we’d polish Mick Jagger’s bald head. The day when he’d be so old, riddled with syphilis and decrepit (say, at 70) that no one (but us) would touch him with a barge pole. Oh, did we laugh.

Over time I came to dislike Mick Jagger. Mainly because I don’t like those tight fisted with money, and those who marry someone on a beach, go on to have four children with Jerry Hall only to tell her that they were never ‘legally’  married in the first place. What the f…?

Keith Richards and his relaxed mode more my type of man.

Anyway. This post is about methods of killing yourself. The woman I had never heard of before, Jagger’s long standing ‘girl friend’, hanged herself. I am no expert but from all I have gleaned over life, via literature and research: Women, on the whole, don’t hang or shoot themselves. It’s what men do. To be on the safe side.

Unless you are Virginia Woolf or Sylvia Plath women take soft options. Like in fairy tales: Rescue me.

So something stinks. Yes, I know Le Wren had  a lot of debt. What’s a lot of debt? It’s all relative.

And I speak as someone who was told some years ago (by the wife of FOS) that if she were me she’d kill herself. She meant well.

Thing is: You don’t kill yourself. Over anything. Most certainly not money. Despair if you can spare the time. By all means – despair. Regroup.

Where were we: Methods to commit suicide. I know lots of people (oh, so pc – politically correct) want to  close the gender divide. Forget it. There is a reason men and women fire on different cylinders. There is an author – drawn to my attention by GG a few years ago – terrible [the author]. Wouldn’t recommend reading him to anyone unless you are detached and devoid. However, he did put his finger on it.

He did put his finger on it. Whatever ‘it’ was. Which I have now forgotten because there is a 15 hour gap between what I wrote above and taking up the thread again just now. It’s what I love about life. Getting sidetracked.

Yes, doing away with yourself. In my book a cardinal sin. And I am not Catholic.

Goethe said that the thought of committing suicide is comforting in hours of darkness. So it is. So it is. The thought. You don’t act on it.

U

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24 Comments »

  1. We are the world’s suicide capital. It is so common that unless someone very famous or the method is outlandish, news gets reported in some obscure corner of our news papers. But, in India, men off themselves more than women. There must be a moral there somewhere. http://www.thehindu.com/news/national/india-saw-135445-suicides-last-year/article4849710.ece

    Comment by rummuser — March 19, 2014 @ 07:33 | Reply

    • Ramana, I don’t know the statistics now. For a long time, in Europe, Vienna (Wien)/Austria, was the suicide capital. There is something melancholic about the place. Though I love it. All those Wintergardens. And museums. And statues (the Angel – he was only three and his bladder full to bursting point – relieving himself discreetly in the park, just behind Mozart. Oh dear, don’t tell his father.)

      U

      Comment by bitchontheblog — March 19, 2014 @ 17:13 | Reply

  2. But some do try and some succeed….. those that fail may well then live with continued pain and guilt for the rest of their lives……. this I know to be true…. I live only one place removed from it. I don’t understand it but it exists.

    I will say no more.

    As for Jagger, no real pretensions there. Not like other “pop” divos… the masculine form of Diva. Mr Watts was always the Stone I most admired…… Jerry Hall is a lovely lady. I was unable to be available to entertain at one of her children’s party way back and had to pass the gig on to someone else….

    Comment by magpie11 — March 19, 2014 @ 12:00 | Reply

  3. Almost ten years it’s been. That’s how I’ve been blogging. My second post, Who should I be angry at?, was on the suicide of a friend earlier in the year. She’s the only one I’ve actually known, though there have been several suicides of people I’ve known of, such as the adult problem child of a co-worker.

    Suicide, to me, is often a selfish act, generally with victims — the family and friends left behind or the stranger who discovers the body.

    Comment by Mike — March 19, 2014 @ 12:05 | Reply

    • Yes, Mike. Who to be angry at? Moving account you gave there.

      Suicide has touched my life a few times. A boyfriend of mine did it. I hasten to add: Not on my account. In his early twenties (the danger time for males) my first husband tried – efficiently. Luckily our cat – in an attempt to get his attention as he was lying there – had knocked over the glass with the final cocktail. And I came home just in time. Around midnight. And the hospital was round the corner. Leaving aside that he swore he’d kill the cat (he didn’t) his suicide attempt turned my whole life upside down. The doctors gave me a choice: Either he’d be committed to a psychiatric hospital or I’d have to guarantee 24 hour round the clock care. Talk about a rock and a hard place. I was the earner, 21 years old, just about to start a much coveted job with potential to take me right up to the top. But his parents (who lived in the same town) couldn’t cope with their own emotional fall out. They were unable to take on board their son. They bought him an expensive violin instead. Crazy. So I phoned my parents. They lived several hundred kilometers away. For them it was no question: Of course we could come, of course they would look after their son-in-law allowing me to keep earning money (only not in the place I had wanted to stay in, giving up the opportunity of a lifetime – not that I thought about it in those terms at the time. That’s youth for you: The future is your oyster. Little appears of any consequence.) So I deposited him with my parents. Went back. Packed up the flat (and the cat). Still, and as happy endings go: Without that move I wouldn’t have met the father of my son and had my son. The jewel in the crown of my life.

      The above about as autobiographical as I can get in a public space.

      You are right: The act of committing suicide is supremely selfish. My father once went as far as to say that if I ever committed suicide (come again? why would I? I was only fourteen) he wouldn’t attend my funeral. It was the one time I thought he’d lost his finely honed intellect. What difference would it make to me whether he attended my funeral or not? I’d be dead.

      However, leaving ‘selfish’ aside: For someone to do so there must be such despair in their life I cannot even begin to imagine. Or, maybe, they have a very ‘low [emotional] pain threshold’. Can you, Mike, imagine to lose that life line of the future called ‘hope’? No, neither can I.

      And then of course there are the impetuous. Those who – like a three year old toddler stamp their feet – shoot themselves on the spur of the moment. If only they’d given it a minute longer they’d still be alive.

      Other than that, and on a lighter note: I think it downright discourteous to your mother to commit suicide. There is the woman going through the agony of putting you into the world, giving you the gift of life and you squander what is a short life in the first place.

      U

      Comment by bitchontheblog — March 19, 2014 @ 13:05 | Reply

      • Thanks. It was a very “moving” experience. We found out about it just before we were to leave on a long road trip with a business meeting on the other end in Massachusetts. Reservations made, etc. We weren’t going to be able to make the visitation or the funeral — both of which are really for supporting those left behind. The night before we left, though, we did go and spend several hours with our other friend, the husband she left behind.

        No, I cannot imagine losing the future, losing hope. I can only imagine giving in at the very last, when there is no hope left.

        Comment by Mike — March 19, 2014 @ 13:43 | Reply

      • Here is where you get to the nub of the matter: “For someone to do so there must be such despair in their life I cannot even begin to imagine”

        As for discourtesy to a mother…. and I am not discussing myself here….. She may well be the cause of the emotional fall out you referred to.

        Comment by magpie11 — March 19, 2014 @ 18:35 | Reply

        • Magpie, yes, like with everything in life there is a spectrum. A Richter Scale. Including mothering. Preferably without smothering.

          I may have mentioned this before: My father – whose mother was exceedingly beautiful with an egocentricity to match – left home at age fourteen. He was his parents’ only son. He moved in with his paternal grandparents. Possibly a stricter regime than at home. But an emotionally kinder one. I say this with the proviso of what I can piece together. I don’t think he hated his mother. But he sure didn’t like her. I had very little contact with her. She once said she hated me because I looked like her. I didn’t. I am blond/copper. She was dark. What we shared were our Slavish cheekbones and our flashing brown eyes. Last time I saw her, I must have been about eleven – my mother was in hospital – when she maligned me to my father. Cruelly. He showed her the door. And that was that.

          When she died – many years later – I phoned my father to give him an emotional arm to lean on. He brushed it off. All I can say, being the mother of a much loved son, I pity those sons (daughters) who don’t have that fall back on. That haven. That safety net. That what mothers – ideally – provide: Unconditional love.

          U

          Comment by bitchontheblog — March 19, 2014 @ 19:03 | Reply

          • Being the son of a mother who left me with her parents when I was 10, I appreciate mothers like U. (Five years… Five long years…)

            Comment by Mike — March 19, 2014 @ 20:11 | Reply

  4. Even the conspiracy theorist in me can’t force himself (me) to give a damn. There are far more important folks in my world to spend the time wondering about than some well past his sell-by-date rock star’s girlfriend. The typical over the top hedonism of those lifestyles is a huge turn off for me. Smoke it, snort it, mainline it – do it all. I agree U – at least Richards is honest about his choices. And yes there’s a friend – well late friend – who chose the easy way out in my life like Mike so perhaps that colors my perception. I am still angry with her and what she did to her husband by bailing on life.

    Comment by shackman — March 19, 2014 @ 13:47 | Reply

    • My mentioning of what you call “some well past his sell-by-date rock star’s girlfriend” is what is called, in journalism – indeed any writing, a peg.

      Forget the celebrity bit, Chuck. They are still people. Real people. With real feelings. As ‘lifestyle’ choices go I’d say hanging yourself is pretty drastic.

      My post was about pondering method. Indeed why one would relinquish life (outside going doolally which, should it happen to me, I would most certainly try to spare the Angel).

      Then, of course, and it’s not a subject I bring up in polite company because people don’t like it, there is that most covert way of killing yourself. Slowly. Know what it is?

      U

      Comment by bitchontheblog — March 19, 2014 @ 17:06 | Reply

      • Not suggesting they aren’t people – just saying there are too many more people worthy of my concern. With the broadest of brushes anyone considering/contemplating/attempting or succeeding at ending themselves deserves some concern. I simply won’t be beating my breast or wailing. I have no idea to which method you speak. Does thi smean I am not polite company? 🙂

        Comment by shackman — March 19, 2014 @ 20:01 | Reply

  5. I know the conventional opinion is that people who kill themselves are selfish, but if you’re in such a bottomless state of despair or inadequacy or hopelessness or whatever, surely your only concern is escaping from that situation and other people’s interests are a very secondary matter. Personally I would just be glad that the person had some peace at last and was no longer in such continuing private torment.

    Comment by nick — March 19, 2014 @ 20:22 | Reply

    • Oh, Nick. Insert sigh. Big sigh. No, it’s not “conventional opinion”.

      You opine, sorry to say, from that most selfish of platforms. Self centered. Life is not just about me, me, me. We all are, even the most elusive, reclusive, embedded in a social network. And for that we have to take responsibility, account for.

      Sure, as you say, if you cut your life short your “private torment” will end. What about the torment of those you leave behind? I wish people weren’t such ninnies. Life is tough titty. Live with it.

      One thing I can tell about you: You sure don’t have any children. Otherwise you’d never said what you just said. Neither do you have much regard for I don’t know who is left in your life. I have seen families destroyed, marriages ripped apart, by someone committing suicide. Liken it to a walnut. Crack it. Unless you are an expert in cracking a walnut you will be left with bits, debris.

      But then, yes, as you point out, the person having kicked the bucket by their own will is the one at “peace at last”. Brilliant. Excellent result.

      U

      Comment by bitchontheblog — March 19, 2014 @ 20:43 | Reply

      • But surely you’re not saying that our only duty in life is to keep families and marriages intact at whatever cost to the individual? That approach has itself led to an awful lot of private torment over the centuries.

        Comment by nick — March 19, 2014 @ 22:36 | Reply

        • Nick, your are going slightly off topic. Which is fine. Topic being that of topping yourself.

          I have been divorced twice, both times for good reasons and amicably, so unlike you say, I most certainly do not advocate “to keep families and marriages intact at whatever cost to the individual”. Though I did keep a family, post divorce, together. In the interest of my son [and his father and everyone else].

          Not sure where you are coming from here.

          U

          Comment by bitchontheblog — March 19, 2014 @ 23:16 | Reply

          • I guess what I’m querying is the idea that keeping a family or marriage intact is more important than the private misery of one individual. That that individual should basically “suck it up” or “get a grip” rather than dealing with the misery. Which often means that the misery goes undealt with and in extreme cases ends in suicide.

            Comment by nick — March 20, 2014 @ 10:24 | Reply

            • How frustrating when I can’t make myself understood: I don’t keep anything “intact” when it’s so broken as to be beyond repair. Can’t help feeling that I have touched a nerve with you. For which I don’t apologize (one can only apologize for hurt which was intended).

              As you say, another’s misery (indeed our own should it occur) needs to be acknowledged. Even if nothing can be done about it.

              Main thing in life, Nick, is to hang onto that rope you were given at birth. Not to hang yourself. Just to keep ‘a grip’ on it. If you slip more is the pity. And no one but no one can stand in judgment over you.

              U

              Comment by bitchontheblog — March 20, 2014 @ 10:54 | Reply

              • Sorry if I’ve misunderstood you. But I don’t understand the idea that taking your own life to end extreme misery is “selfish” rather than simply a desperate solution to an unliveable situation.

                Comment by nick — March 20, 2014 @ 11:42 | Reply

  6. Well… this has actually been educational for me and I’ve reevaluated my views on the subject.

    Earlier I stated, “Suicide, to me, is often a selfish act, generally with victims — the family and friends left behind or the stranger who discovers the body.”

    I guess I would have to say that what seems to be selfish from the outside looking in is often a final recourse of desperation.

    I found a page that starts off, “If you’re thinking about suicide… read this first.”

    A little ways down the page, it asks the reader to consider the following,
    Suicide is not chosen; it happens
    when pain exceeds
    resources for coping with pain.

    That’s all it’s about. You are not a bad person, or crazy, or weak, or flawed, because you feel suicidal. It doesn’t even mean that you really want to die – it only means that you have more pain than you can cope with right now. If I start piling weights on your shoulders, you will eventually collapse if I add enough weights… no matter how much you want to remain standing. Willpower has nothing to do with it. Of course you would cheer yourself up, if you could.

    Sometimes online “conversations” can result in self examination of one’s views. This has been one of those, for me.

    My mother sometimes had suicidal tendencies, not often, but once in the 60s self-admitting herself to a mental institution. She never actually tried that I know of. I understand her just a little better now.

    Comment by Mike — March 20, 2014 @ 12:51 | Reply

    • Mike, you understand what I’m saying. I think that’s a very good definition – the pain is beyond your resources to cope with it. And your only objective is to end it by whatever means. It’s the final insult to call the person “selfish” and trivialise what they’re going through.

      Comment by nick — March 20, 2014 @ 14:24 | Reply

      • What exasperates me about you, Nick, at times, that you jump to conclusions. Often the wrong ones. No one, in this whole discussion, intimated that anyone “trivializes” what people are going through.

        It’s not “the final insult to call the person selfish” – it’s just one perspective, Nick. One perspective. Forgive me for getting up close and personal but you do seem to see the world from one perspective only: Your own. There are many [perspectives], many angles. Look at life like a cube. How many sides are there to a cube?

        U

        Comment by bitchontheblog — March 20, 2014 @ 16:24 | Reply

    • I do not wish to appear flippant, Mike, but what sort of comfort is that paragraph ” … you are not a bad person …” to a suicidal person? If you are on the brink you don’t give a monkey’s what other people think. You do what those do who shoot up: You jump. Without a backward glance.

      I am glad you joined this discussion in as frank a manner as you did. You have confirmed my view that there is little better than people exchanging views. We do learn from each other.

      U

      Comment by bitchontheblog — March 20, 2014 @ 16:34 | Reply

      • Thanks.

        If someone is on that page reading that paragraph, they are likely not on the immediate brink of offing themselves, but may be looking for help in understanding what they or a loved one are going through. It’s fortunate that resources for help do exist. There’s more on the page, including links to other resources.

        Comment by Mike — March 20, 2014 @ 17:07 | Reply


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