Bitch on the Blog

June 18, 2014


Filed under: Human condition — bitchontheblog @ 03:56

I find myself in time warps. My mother is younger than I am now.

Back in the nursery: I am fond of my siblings (I won’t repeat the word “love” since I have just declared it to both WWW and Friko in reply to my last post). It’s crazy how, in my mind, there is a visual overlay between what was then and how it’s now. Many years ago I saw both my brother and my youngest sister everywhere (a physical impossibility since we live in different countries). I had to stop myself running after those evoking the image of them – lest I’d have to declare myself mad.

Oddly less so with the Angel. It was only yesterday he first kicked me in uterus (usually 2130 – he is as punctual as his father),  only yesterday I first held him in my arms, only yesterday I pushed little match box cars round the carpet making up improbable stories as we went along, and yet I see him very much as the man he is now. Sometimes, when he comes to me with joy or sorrow, it pains me that I can’t do what you do with a small child: Sit them on your lap, cradle them, make it all better.

As usual completely forgotten where I was going with this. Nowhere. That’s where. Which is as good as any destination. It’s my speciality:  Getting lost. I remember taking the Angel on walks in god forsaken nowhere: “Where are we, Mama?” You are in a double bind there: Do you answer truthfully: “No idea. Let’s look at the map (in absence of which hope for the best and some sort of direction)” or just lie through your teeth? I tended to lie through my teeth. The only reason being that children need their parent to be confident as to what they are doing. Till they tell you, twenty years later: “Mama, I can read you like an open book”.




  1. Welcome to the club dear.

    Comment by rummuser — June 18, 2014 @ 04:50 | Reply

  2. I still like to think that I could put my 3 on my knee; if only in my dreams. Maybe I should stick to the grandsons for the real thing.

    Comment by Cro Magnon — June 18, 2014 @ 06:12 | Reply

  3. I wander around also, in the hopes of hitting my own psyche with a deeper understanding, a newfound knowledge that will take me to deeper places. And then out of the blue, Daughter can say something like: “you didn’t actually KNOW that you *insert appropriate word* then? Seriously?” And confound myself all over again with the fog I’m in most of the time. I’m untangling my family threads at the moment, now that I’m not as emotionally invested. Emotion blinds me.

    Comment by wisewebwoman — June 20, 2014 @ 02:51 | Reply

  4. I, too, miss wrapping Alex up in my arms and cuddling him…but there’s something so comforting about being enveloped in his bear-like hug when he greets me or says goodbye that makes up for my sense of maternal loss. I haven’t lost a thing–it’s just that things have changed. Change is good. It has to be. It’s all we’ve got.

    Comment by Lorna's Voice — June 25, 2014 @ 13:46 | Reply

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