Bitch on the Blog

December 30, 2014

Down under

Filed under: Amusement — bitchontheblog @ 17:25
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Not having found my true destiny yet (other than facilitating the life of the most wonderful person in the world by dint of giving birth to him) I am toying with making a stab at crime writing. Not because I want to be published or carry murder in my heart. Far from it. But because I need to exercise my little grey cells before they turn purple. Anyway, some of the best crime writers are of advancing years. I am not surprised. Once life has had you through the wringer you know when best not to turn the knife.

My first case being that of “The Lost Kiwi”. A week before Christmas I bought a kiwi. I made it the crowning glory of my fruit bowl glowing with oranges, lemons and apples. When the time came that I fancied that Kiwi for breakfast it had disappeared. I try not to waste too much thought on anyone/anything doing a disappearing act. There, usually, is a good reason for continued absence and/or silence. One which escapes me but let’s give people (and things) the benefit of the doubt. After all, it might be all your fault for having mis/displaced them.

Before sending you on a goose chase with a story so wildly improbable (think Agatha Christie) I’ll give you the end. In quest to tidy both my life and the flat for a pristine new year an hour ago I first borrowed two pound Sterling short of my five. Then I set to work. And what do you know: I found The¬†Kiwi. Underneath the dining room table. It must have rolled off. Ten days ago. Why? I don’t know. It’s difficult to question a Kiwi. Speculation is all. It might have been an accident (that’s my guess since I am of charitable disposition), it might have wished to escape its destiny ending up in my stomach – though why anyone/anything wouldn’t wish to meet their destiny in my stomach is beyond me). So who knows what happened. I myself blame gravity. Ask Newton.

The jury is still out as to whether this Kiwi is still edible. It feels soft to the touch. Maybe a touch too soft. I shall butcher it tomorrow when my stomach is empty and my senses not yet fully discerning.

Squidgy greetings,



December 22, 2014

Slippery slope

Filed under: Errors,Questions — bitchontheblog @ 12:28

Sweethearts, I am not saying I am one but this minute I most certainly do feel like an IDIOT.

Any ideas? Please spare me the glib. I need serious input. Unless it’s too late. In which case slime will do.


December 16, 2014


Filed under: Amusement,Beauty,Happiness — bitchontheblog @ 19:08
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I like doing things for people. Not because I am selfless. Not at all. Like Mother Theresa I am totally selfish because I like doing things for people. So there.

For sensible reasons I find myself a recovering perfectionist. Not being perfect is hard when you are perfect and/or have aspirations. To help me along a hopeless path, once or twice a year, the Angel will ask me to wrap a present for him to give to, say, a work colleague. Mind: “Don’t make it perfect, Mama. It’s got to look as if I could have, conceivably, done it myself.” And thus I keep learning that it’s far harder to bodge a job than to get it right. This minute I am proud of myself. No one but no one would guess that I’ve wrapped those glasses.

Nice to be needed, don’t you think?


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