Bitch on the Blog

December 30, 2014

Down under

Filed under: Amusement — bitchontheblog @ 17:25
Tags: , ,

Not having found my true destiny yet (other than facilitating the life of the most wonderful person in the world by dint of giving birth to him) I am toying with making a stab at crime writing. Not because I want to be published or carry murder in my heart. Far from it. But because I need to exercise my little grey cells before they turn purple. Anyway, some of the best crime writers are of advancing years. I am not surprised. Once life has had you through the wringer you know when best not to turn the knife.

My first case being that of “The Lost Kiwi”. A week before Christmas I bought a kiwi. I made it the crowning glory of my fruit bowl glowing with oranges, lemons and apples. When the time came that I fancied that Kiwi for breakfast it had disappeared. I try not to waste too much thought on anyone/anything doing a disappearing act. There, usually, is a good reason for continued absence and/or silence. One which escapes me but let’s give people (and things) the benefit of the doubt. After all, it might be all your fault for having mis/displaced them.

Before sending you on a goose chase with a story so wildly improbable (think Agatha Christie) I’ll give you the end. In quest to tidy both my life and the flat for a pristine new year an hour ago I first borrowed two pound Sterling short of my five. Then I set to work. And what do you know: I found The Kiwi. Underneath the dining room table. It must have rolled off. Ten days ago. Why? I don’t know. It’s difficult to question a Kiwi. Speculation is all. It might have been an accident (that’s my guess since I am of charitable disposition), it might have wished to escape its destiny ending up in my stomach – though why anyone/anything wouldn’t wish to meet their destiny in my stomach is beyond me). So who knows what happened. I myself blame gravity. Ask Newton.

The jury is still out as to whether this Kiwi is still edible. It feels soft to the touch. Maybe a touch too soft. I shall butcher it tomorrow when my stomach is empty and my senses not yet fully discerning.

Squidgy greetings,




  1. Big grin……. I thought that Kiwis were flightless. I suppose that is why it rolled from the summit of the fruitbowl.

    I don’t think that I have ever forgiven the New Zealanders for naming a Chinese Gooseberry(Actinidia spp) as Kiwi Fruit…….

    Comment by magpie11 — December 30, 2014 @ 17:47 | Reply

  2. Loved the adventure of Kiwi & You. I’m forever letting fruit & avocados get too ripe. I cut out the brown spots, maybe even eat the brown spots. Don’t want anything to go to waste.

    Comment by bikehikebabe66 — December 30, 2014 @ 18:56 | Reply

  3. Ursula, you survived the dental dilemma. Yay! I’m so glad to hear it wasn’t just to give a kiwi a new purpose.

    Comment by reneejohnsonwrites — December 30, 2014 @ 22:19 | Reply

  4. The poor unsuspecting Kiwi! You sure you don’t employ a butler?

    Comment by rummuser — December 31, 2014 @ 01:09 | Reply

  5. I was about to confess having taken it, since I have a few downstairs.

    Comment by Looney — December 31, 2014 @ 04:32 | Reply

  6. i like a soft kiwi (well, some types haha)
    good to seeyou back ms ursula

    happy new year!

    Comment by kylie — December 31, 2014 @ 12:02 | Reply

  7. so what type was it…the hairy green one or the hairless gold one. I prefer the gold one, but then I can get them easily all year round…the only problem I forsee with your “rolled down and out of the fruit bowl” is severe bruising… Cathy in New Zealand – a hop, skip and jump from the food store that has a wide range of fruit, veg from all over the world 🙂

    Comment by cedar51 — January 2, 2015 @ 06:34 | Reply

  8. Well, I guess the kiwi fruit must be vastly enjoying all the unexpected attention. All it had to do was fall off the table and a huge hunt was under way for the missing fruit. Unfortunately all the attention won’t prevent rapid extinction when the time (and the fruit) is ripe.

    Comment by nick — January 2, 2015 @ 19:48 | Reply

  9. There’s a prostitute called Serina Ng living at Blk 259 #22-04 Ang Mo Kio Ave 2 Tel:64543943, try her, she may be a bit fat N clumsy but the hole is tight.

    Comment by FugB.tcj — February 24, 2015 @ 06:39 | Reply

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