Bitch on the Blog

September 1, 2015

Urgent

Filed under: Human condition — bitchontheblog @ 00:16
Tags: ,

Sweethearts, it’s one o’clock in the morning. Earlier this evening I managed to lock the elusive mouse in the bathroom – and myself out. The latter being a bit of an inconvenience to say the least. I NEED THE LOO.

The Angel often remarks that life with me is a bit like a comedy programme (albeit with occasionally tragic undertones). Well, yes, but where is his or any other manly strong shoulder to dislodge that blasted door now firmly stuck and glued to its frame? All the restaurants in the street are closed at this ghastly hour so I can’t use their facilities either. And I really can’t psyche myself up to go downstairs and relieve myself outside in a dark corner. That’s what men do. Lucky bastards. Yes, so tonight is going to be an exercise in bladder control. I wish I were six months old wearing a nappy. Then, when it’s wet, I could cry to alert my mother or grandmother and hand the problem over to them. That’s what I love about being an adult. Suddenly you are your own responsibility.

U

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11 Comments »

  1. Have you never heard of chamber pots? Surely you could rig up a temporary one.

    Comment by cheerfulmonk — September 1, 2015 @ 00:32 | Reply

    • Yes, Jean, I have heard of chamber pots. In fact, when I was a toddler, I used one. However, all vessels of that kind are … guess where. In the bathroom. I absolutely refuse to abuse my cooking pots and pans.

      Anyway, never mind. After my last post posted my bladder and I lasted another one and a half hours. At which time I remembered one of my more enlightened pronouncements. I was in my late teens/early twenties at the time: “A woman’s strength lies between her thighs.” It’s true and not as suggestive as it may sound. It came to me when I tried to uncork a bottle of wine. In those days corks were stubborn and cork screws needed an awful lot of upper body strength to pull. Now, and this is important in the narrative, I was and still am pretty strong (for a woman). However, there are limits. So I’d clamp a bottle between my thighs and pull. Worked a treat. My friends enjoyed the performance. I enjoyed victory. Not least realizing one of the laws of physics: Namely that of the longer lever.

      So today, and to my credit, I revived that skill of mine. No, not with an old fashioned cork screw but a determined kick or five at the door. And what do you know: It worked. My loo and I united once more. Never mind the mouse. Bliss, Jean, bliss, bliss, bliss. You know what I mean. I am now as good as new. Ready to do battle tomorrow.

      U

      Comment by bitchontheblog — September 1, 2015 @ 02:23 | Reply

  2. the mouse is probably long gone from the bathroom while you torture yourself! they can get into and out of just about anywhere

    Comment by kylie — September 1, 2015 @ 00:42 | Reply

    • You misunderstand, Kylie. I don’t care about the mouse. I needed the loo. The door was jammed. Big time. See my comment to Jean.

      U

      Comment by bitchontheblog — September 1, 2015 @ 02:26 | Reply

  3. All is well that ends well then!

    Comment by rummuser — September 1, 2015 @ 07:48 | Reply

    • My dear Ramana, all is well. Yes. For the time being. The end? We’ll see.

      Encore (curtain calls by another name),
      U

      Comment by bitchontheblog — September 1, 2015 @ 08:32 | Reply

  4. I’m sorry but mention of comedy sent my brain off into a whirl of imagination to which your replies above have contributed. I see this in Black and White and with ajuddering picture projected onto the screen and accompanied by a jangly piano……. I know that it is not actually funny in reality but it does look amusing.
    The episode with the wine bottle as a sort of “Thinks” thought bubble on the screen adds to the comic effect.
    I have an image of this darned mouse sitting there looking at the dor and listening and then , as the door flies open, making a dash for freedom unseen by you.
    Final shot of this episode?: A closeup of yourself with a blissful contented look sliding across your face.

    BTW Doesn’t all the best comedy have some tragedy as an undertone? And of course…. vicky verky (aka vice versa).

    Comment by magpie11 — September 1, 2015 @ 18:01 | Reply

    • How very imaginative and amusing your vista is, David.

      You are astute. That’s what they do “a dash for freedom UNSEEN by you”. I don’t begrudge them the dash for freedom. Who wouldn’t try the same? Alas, I have wizened up considerably – my eyes firmly glued to the floor whenever I enter or exit a room. Even the fastest mouse – and they are damn fast – will not escape my dimming eye sight.

      If this was a battle of wills I may (emphasis on ‘may’ – no guarantees given) have won the battle, the mouse taking her (in the mother lingo mice are female) war to another quarry. We’ll see. All I know is that my last sighting of it was returning to from where it had come from – namely the plumbing behind the bathroom wash basin. More worrying – and god knows how that happened (immaculate conception?) – that on last sight it seemed a lot bigger round the middle.

      Anyway I am damned pleased with myself that I managed to resist the short cut (trap) – but, as I said before and cautious: Don’t count your chickens before the mice have multiplied.

      U

      Comment by bitchontheblog — September 2, 2015 @ 10:45 | Reply

  5. So is the bathroom door still functioning or has the heroic unjamming manoeuvre wrecked it? Are you now unable to lock the bathroom door?

    What I was going to suggest before I read that the problem was solved – aren’t there any neighbours who would make their toilet available?

    Comment by nick — September 2, 2015 @ 19:33 | Reply

    • There are neighbours, Nick. But not at one in the morning. Though one of them once woke me at three because she couldn’t get into the building.

      The bathroom door is fine. I am fine. Or so I keep telling myself. One day I’ll be dead and then everything will be extra fine.

      U

      Comment by bitchontheblog — September 2, 2015 @ 20:02 | Reply

  6. Now were you a Witch you would have put on your long cloak gone outside and squatted and none would have been any the wiser, well until you walked away !

    Comment by Mel Llwyd — September 3, 2015 @ 15:13 | Reply


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