Bitch on the Blog

December 16, 2015

Pathetic

This post is going to HURT. Me. Not you.

Do you actually know what it means to go out there, face your fellow men – and BEG? Don’t answer.

Yes, the season of good will. One week to go and I still haven’t procured the goose that – once upon a time – flew effortlessly, caressed by me, onto the laden table.

If anyone, ever and so smug, tells me that money doesn’t buy you happiness I’ll tell them to …

Such a happy life I believe to have led between the age of 19 and …

Now? For the last six/seven years? I don’t know. Sometimes I wish I were Virginia Woolf. I don’t mean the author. I am not given to being a writer. I love the word. I don’t need publicity. Yes, stones in your coat’s pockets and water. But, as a doctor recorded many years ago: “Won’t act on impulse on account of her son”.

Indeed. I believe all of us to be selfish to the core, yet there are limits as to what we do to others.

A fool I ain’t. The moment I committed to motherhood was the moment I realized that life wasn’t my own any more. Happy I had the guts to take the plunge.

Everything went swimmingly. Twenty four years down the line I fail. Put that into your assorted handkerchieves.

U

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8 Comments »

  1. You failed? Or were you failed? Either way it is hard.

    Comment by magpie11 — December 16, 2015 @ 16:18 | Reply

    • My dear Magpie, I am sure I was “failed” in as much as we all fail each other. However, not one to point fingers other than at myself, I do believe that I have failed/let myself down. Big time. It’s like spaghetti junction (you being the train). You think you are on one track (the right one) only to be thrown onto another. Trains derail as Titanics sink. I don’t even look for a bicycle any longer. As long as I do have two feet I’ll walk. Where this will lead once I have lost my sight(s)? To kissing and hugging a lamp post. That’s what

      U

      Comment by bitchontheblog — December 17, 2015 @ 09:48 | Reply

  2. If you cant provide a lavish Christmas, that is not failure. if you fail to listen, to love, to know the heart of your child, that is failure.

    Comment by kylie — December 16, 2015 @ 19:48 | Reply

    • Kylie, “knowing” you as I do, knowing your intentions to be good, I’ll let what you say stand. However, there are facets. And whilst I most certainly haven’t failed my son in the ways you list neither do I wish to become a burden to him. By his own efforts and work he is not financially dependent on me, hasn’t been for years. However, it grieves me that he feels responsible for me, it grieves me that he witnesses me struggle. Neither does “struggling” go with the image (indeed my own) people have of me. It’s why most don’t even take my cry for help seriously. It’s one big ha ha joke. Yes, insert sigh, I wish it were.

      “Lavish”, Kylie? No. Basics will do just fine.

      U

      Comment by bitchontheblog — December 17, 2015 @ 09:34 | Reply

  3. I would call it experience. The minute you put a value on it, it ceases to be one and becomes a cause for other effects.

    Comment by rummuser — December 17, 2015 @ 01:42 | Reply

    • Oh dear, Ramana, watch it. Old age beginning to obscure clarity: “The minute you put value on it [experience I suppose you mean], it ceases to be one and becomes a cause for other effects”. You can’t get little more opaque than that. What you said there is meaningless. And most certainly no comfort.

      Anyway, to cut to the chase and the bottom line: “Experience” as you call it is, in my opinion, vastly overrated. Ok, so you “experience” something. What do you do with that experience? Because, in my experience, (bad) experiences should mostly be avoided and foregone. Not least because they rarely repeat themselves. So whatever you may have learnt amounts to little effect. Life ain’t no dress rehearsal, Ramana. Life, every moment of it, is the real thing.

      U

      Comment by bitchontheblog — December 17, 2015 @ 09:41 | Reply

  4. Why not accept your son’s help? You helped him many a year over his growing up and it’s actually good to have family who will help without telling you how to live your life….

    Comment by cedar51 — December 17, 2015 @ 18:29 | Reply

    • You mean well, Cedar, yet you jump to (in this case) a wrong conclusion. Without my son I’d be long dead (not necessarily physically, but financially). Why is it that people always assume that it’s elders taking care of their youngsters? Sometimes it’s the other way round. And when it is that way round a heart (in this case mine) veers on breaking. Please do read my response to Kylie’s comment above. It might make it clearer where I am coming from or it might remain in the dark.

      Other than that – and Jean touched on this the other day – the kindness of (relative) strangers strengthens faith in humanity.

      All the best,
      U

      Comment by bitchontheblog — December 17, 2015 @ 19:18 | Reply


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