Bitch on the Blog

September 5, 2016


Filed under: Accuracy,Communication,Errors,Formalities,Integrity,Roadkill — bitchontheblog @ 12:49

I shouldn’t have published yesterday’s post which is why, this morning, I decided to take it down. Not that that’ll necessarily stop me from putting it back for public viewing.

The reasons I did so are many fold.

Firstly, my post gave a more than usual glimpse into my personal life, expecting – possibly – too much from my readers in return.

Secondly, as so often, and it is not the first time I  have noticed this, virtually all commentators (there are exceptions) will latch onto ONE aspect of any post. In this case there were many facets to one of my life’s worst scenarios, with consequences reaching far further than my own self. And that was why I responded to Ramana more sharply than I would have ordinarily done (apologies, Ramana). Why I felt dismissed by Cheerful Monk and therefore reacted a little too hastily to her too.

Thirdly, and this links in with the above,  as some of you pointed out there is a back story. I do not think that revealing the backstory (I can’t do that in a public place) would help my agony aunts and uncles that much to give me advice on, say, how to resolve a Catch 22. And that is what it is. In fact, it’s better than that. I am caught up in the perfect Catch 22. 

As to your suggestions of involving a third party. That is an almost guaranteed way to backfire. As soon as you involve a third party in any subterfuge (even the most benign with no evil intent) you can bet your bottom dollar sooner or later it’ll ooze out like pus out of a wound. Been there (at the receiving end). Few people can keep their mouth shut, and that’s a fact. How many times in my life have I been “accused” of being secretive. Well, there is a reason for it. And the last time I forgot my own resolve it landed me in a hole I am still in. Six years on.

I can see where this post is going. Down a rather agitated and emotional road to nothing. Forgive me.

Some of the questions I brought up were general ones: Like, do we (as a spouse) always have to toe the line? Why – as soon as people get hitched – do they suddenly lose their own identity, become as one? To become as one, spiritually and when bringing up a family, is commendable but that doesn’t mean curtailing someone else’s freedom of movement, choice of friends. I will pick up on this subject in a separate post from a slightly different angle. See how that’ll resonate with you.

Anyway, thank you all for your patience, for trying, for taking an interest at all, not least a friend who didn’t know what to say, so he didn’t say it. A special mention to Looney. Thank you so much, Looney, for making me laugh with your brilliant and humourous take on this whole sorry saga. That laugh was the first ever in this context. For that alone I’ll probably reinstate my previous post.




  1. Thanks for the explanation. Usually, when posts disappear, there is never any explanation.

    I had started to respond to your post in the middle of the night. I was up for some unknown reason and was starting to doze off as I tried to formulate something that made sense. Not making much progress, I let my comment simmer til morning only to see, after I submitted it, that the post was gone. Ah well.

    (I was also, that late at night, waiting for a video to upload to YouTube. I’ve posted it at if you are interested [shameless plug])

    Comment by Mike Goad — September 5, 2016 @ 13:46 | Reply

    • How annoying. So sorry to have missed your shine on my conundrum. I dare say, with both your private and your professional background, you might have come up with the sword to slice the Gordian knot or just pass me a hand grenade. If you’ve still got or can reconstruct your comment, please do. I will reinstate my previous post because I usually let things stand when they are out in the open arena. Anything else being slightly churlish, too self conscious for my liking.

      Interesting juxtaposition – the soothing almost dreamlike music set against the backdrop. Transported me right back to where I was that afternoon (BST) – far far away.


      Comment by bitchontheblog — September 5, 2016 @ 14:08 | Reply

  2. Anon

    Comment by Petra — September 5, 2016 @ 15:30 | Reply

    • Hi, Petra. I hope you aren’t my sister. She is enough trouble without you compounding it.


      Comment by bitchontheblog — September 5, 2016 @ 15:47 | Reply

      • I noted your comments on the puke inducing going gently…i think you were the only one out of 300 that had sense

        Comment by Petra — September 5, 2016 @ 20:37 | Reply

        • I dont mind Going gently, it is deliberately a romanticised view, but the sycophantic comments drive me a little nuts

          Comment by Kylie — September 5, 2016 @ 22:34 | Reply

          • Jon at going gently fosters dependence

            Comment by Petra — September 5, 2016 @ 22:41 | Reply

  3. “…virtually all commentators (there are exceptions) will latch onto ONE aspect of any post.” That is the danger of throwing too much into one post without being clear about what you mean/what you want. If it’s really a perfect Catch 22, it was probably a mistake to say you were asking for advice. The first thing a creative problem solver will do is to make sure you’re not defining the situation too narrowly. Thinking outside the box and all that.

    “… do we (as a spouse) always have to toe the line? Why – as soon as people get hitched – do they suddenly lose their own identity, become as one?” That never happened to Andy and me, so no, we don’t always even if some people do. As usual, one size doesn’t fit all.

    Good conversation.

    Comment by cheerfulmonk — September 5, 2016 @ 18:15 | Reply

    • Jean, I am almost tempted to ignore your first paragraph.

      “the danger of throwing too much into one post” – what is too much, Jean? If and when there is a narrative it needs to be told. And I tend to keep it brief. For some people’s taste too brief.

      “without being clear about what you mean/what you want” – I think I made it clear that I was looking for advice, guidance, a pointer, inspiration, anything, even nothing if there is nothing to said.

      “if it’s really a perfect Catch 22, it was probably a mistake to say you were asking for advice”. Why is it a mistake? It’s precisely because it’s a perfect Catch 22 that I need any advice/insight from others’ perspectives. And even if you are right and it was a mistake, I don’t mind making mistakes. You usually learn from them.

      And then, Jean, and this doesn’t make sense considering what you said before “the first thing a creative problem solver will do is to make sure you’re not defining the situation too narrowly”. I’d say the more you zoom in the more likely you’ll find the atom to detonate the bomb.

      I am tempted not to mention one of my USPs again: It was certified that I am in the echelons (1 % of the UK population) of those able to find unusual solutions to unusual problems. So, whatever you think of me, I am “outside the box and all that” already. Doesn’t mean I don’t look to others for their input. And believe me: Sometimes their boxes come in most useful to put a lid on it.

      Thanks for acknowledging that a “good conversation” has ensued.


      Comment by bitchontheblog — September 6, 2016 @ 10:37 | Reply

  4. I feel a little chastised!
    I often just pick one aspect of a post to comment on because comments become long if I dont. Also, I tend to want to compulsively answer every point and it seems a little neurotic so I deliberately resist the impulse.
    As far as I am concerned love/ marriage should not include an imperative to tell a person everything, nor does it include a right to curtail the movements and friendships of another. I have to believe what you say about her loving him and wanting to keep the peace but to me, that is not love, it is submission.

    I have been prohibited from seeing people, my parents are not allowed in my house and my communications have been monitored and I tried to keep the peace but let me assure you, it was not out of love.

    Could you write a letter?

    Comment by Kylie — September 5, 2016 @ 22:23 | Reply

    • Please don’t feel chastised, Kylie. I will take up this particular aspect of blogging [comments] in a separate post because I think it well worth dwelling on for a moment or many.

      You mention “submission”. Of course, that is exactly what it is. Neither does this particular person fit the “normal” idea of the submissive wife. She is self assured, extremely successful in her chosen field, a high earner (by which I mean to imply that she is most certainly not dependent on anyone financially), there are no children. Essentially, the world is her oyster. And yet, … Oh, yes, just to add the ridiculous to the sublime. She would love to have a dog. Nothing big, Just handbag size. Is she “allowed” to have a dog? You’ve got to be joking. Such a small wish, yet again met with a wall.

      Anyhow, Kylie, sigh, as they say each marriage has its secret. One which is impenetrable to the outsider.

      As to your own example, and I am sorry to hear it, again it shows that it’s easy to form an image of someone which doesn’t quite tally with you being beaten into submission. In fact what you are describing is unbelievable.

      You ask “could I write a letter”. Sure, I have written many missives – mainly because he puts the phone down as soon as he recognizes my voice. Indeed I have pleaded, I have sworn, I have begged, I have cursed. She has suggested mediation to him many a time (for him and me). He won’t have it. He’d rather nurture his I don’t know what against me. Oh, Kylie, I am just about to spill the beans but I am playing a dangerous game here.


      Comment by bitchontheblog — September 6, 2016 @ 10:11 | Reply

  5. someone replied to my comment – that inferred they knew the “back story” – oh well, we all learnt something about blogging and the public sphere… we have to take a gamble that “of course, we don’t know the whole story” – and please Ursula don’t stop writing how you feel – even if we have a different tack to you.I have a couple of favourite replies; “it all depends” and “because I can”

    But I just added the kind of reply that a lot of my friends, realtime tell me of late…particularly since I am moving out of a long term rental – into another rental, which may be just as long term…

    I try to have most of my “ducks in a row” although there is sure to be some parts missing…I think if I was write exactly what I did on what I deem a “busy day” it would be a novella!

    Comment by cedar51 — September 6, 2016 @ 18:48 | Reply

    • “Someone replied to [your] comment” inferring they know the back story? Whoever that is let them come clean to me first.

      Good luck with your move. Ducks? Usually they are sitting, unaware of the destiny awaiting them. Which is just as well.


      Comment by bitchontheblog — September 6, 2016 @ 21:21 | Reply

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