Bitch on the Blog

December 5, 2016

Strife

Filed under: Family — bitchontheblog @ 12:11
Tags: , , , , ,

Just because November has gone and I am still alive doesn’t mean the worst is over. It isn’t.

To take my mind off things I phoned my youngest sister yesterday. As I do every Sunday. You may remember that my youngest sister, think Mona Lisa, is the militant in the family. She digs in her heels at the slightest provocation. So, for years, she has broken off all contact to my father. My mother appears to be a write off too. All in the name of my youngest sister being indignant. I try and steer the boat but do not flatter myself that I can avoid her Titanic sinking before my mother snuffs it. It’s awful. Awful, awful, awful. Yes, so it’s awful, and Dog Almighty, me, the older sister, can do shit all to make it better. Rarely have I felt less helpless.

On a lighter note (please do note pun: “Lighter” as in match) my sister reported that three of her four children do smoke. And she found them out. The last bit the bad bit. If you are being found out by my sister your marching orders will be given before you know where your feet, never mind your boots, are.

I tried to convey that whilst good mothers make sure that their children’s grazed knees, bruised egos and whatever, you can make better”,bla bla bla bla, as long as they are little and run to you, there comes a time in life when you have to abdicate (with a heavy heart) and leave those well honed bodies, souls and health to be wrecked at your kids’ leisure – or not. Oddly, my/our mother knew this – instinctively. I moved out from home – one minute to the next, literally – and my mother gave me her blessing. My father went ballistic. He always does. Sometimes I think, don’t tell her, that my youngest sister and my father are so alike they should be locked in a padded room and sort it out between the two of them.

I am sure it’s marvellous to have siblings. Only surpassed by being an only.

U

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15 Comments »

  1. Relationships between us four siblings are far more placid. Our parents are no more and we have 1, 2, and 3 children families and the cousins seem to manage just as placidly as we four do. Genes perhaps!

    Comment by rummuser — December 5, 2016 @ 12:53 | Reply

    • Good for you and your siblings, Ramana. I am a great believer in “genes”. Not in this case. Doesn’t make sense. And the only (and heartfelt reason) I am hanging on in there trying to sooth the waves because I firmly do believe in family, I am the eldest, and I do feel responsible – for my siblings, my parents.

      U

      Comment by bitchontheblog — December 6, 2016 @ 04:39 | Reply

  2. Aah! Siblings…. sent to try us elder ones…. my sympathy….. not having had parental units since the earl;y 1970s I have long been the wall against which both sisters bang their heads, when they are not banging against each other that is. My way of dealing with these events is, it seems, to bang back and then ignore it completely….. though It seems that, you being the in between, in this case this would not work.

    Comment by magpie11 — December 5, 2016 @ 12:56 | Reply

    • Thanks for your sympathy, Magpie. Currently hoarding the stuff. Never know when one might run out of supplies.

      How very interesting that you have two sisters. My brother (he is number three in the line up) does have three. I pitied him from the start. Though, insert big smile (both his and mine), he has turned out just fine. In fact, he is a great guy. However, just like you, if I understand you correctly, he keeps out of everything. And that may be wise. In my opinion we need to have a standpoint. Do something. Being elusive, evasive is never a solution. On the other hand, to give him the benefit of the doubt, he may realize his limitations. Even if it means silence.

      U

      Comment by bitchontheblog — December 6, 2016 @ 04:52 | Reply

      • Nooo….. I don’t keep out…. if soemone bangs their head on mine then I bang back…. then , as I said, ignore it….. mind you I still seethe at the fact tha my sister stole my postage stamps and sold them to a chap called Patrick Moore (not the star gazer) for half a crown… I was about 11 at the time. He he…. just one of the several grudges I bear…

        Comment by magpie11 — December 6, 2016 @ 12:43 | Reply

  3. I wish I couldn’t relate to this post! Some thing that helps me a bit is to remember that I can not be responsible for their happiness, only my own. But, you know, easier said than done! My family is quite a maze of people speaking and not speaking to one another. You have to memorize everyone’s position. It’s like a chess game!

    Comment by Shoshanah — December 5, 2016 @ 13:15 | Reply

    • Sometimes it’s good to hear that others share our (mis) fortunes. In this case, Shoshanah, it ain’t. Leaving aside that I am much older than my siblings, I sometimes can’t help thinking whether my youngest sister and I grew up in different families. I do take her seriously. What else is there to do? Yet shake my head at her folly whilst trying to comfort my parents. In the meantime I have burnt some carrots and another pan …

      U

      Comment by bitchontheblog — December 6, 2016 @ 04:36 | Reply

      • Aah! The feeling of growing up in different families…..sister number one still resents the fact that sister number two “got away with” things that we older siblings would never have been allowed to….. age differenc between them is 12 years. On top father died when number two was nine and mother when number two was 15….

        Comment by magpie11 — December 6, 2016 @ 12:53 | Reply

        • I’m the youngest by eight years, but I feel like I’m the most mature. (of course I do, right?)

          Comment by Shoshanah — December 6, 2016 @ 13:10 | Reply

  4. Oh how I can relate in more ways than you can count. Stomping off in high dudgeon rules in my family. BUT Dawg forbid, you ever explain why. Just seethe in silence. My daughter #2 holds the current record followed by my niece and brother # 3. Years and years of unexplained sniffies.
    XO
    WWW

    Comment by wisewebwoman — December 5, 2016 @ 15:16 | Reply

    • Thanks for adding to my vocabulary. “Dudgeon” has the sound I was looking for. A bit like dead duck.

      The whole thing is ridiculous. My father noted yesterday that his eldest daughter (that’s me) runs around like a third world country diplomat on a mission. Yes, I am on a mission. One that feels like a dead end. My sister’s and my twain do not meet (though I do not mention this to her to keep channels open). Why is she so unforgiving? And unforgiving of what exactly? What’s her beef? The last a stupid question since she is vegetarian. One might say she is “blind” to her folly. Naturally, I don’t say any of that to her face. I try to awaken some sort, any sort, of empathy in her for the woman who loves her. Our mother. No doing. My mother has lived her life, yet – and note the absurdity – my sister demands (and I mean “demands”) that my mother justifies her life’s choices including, by way of example, why our father is our father, why my mother was (largely) a stay at home mum, etc. etc. etc. It’s relentless. What’s my sister’s aim? What is she trying to achieve? Why is she pissing on my parents’ parade so late in life?

      I actually asked her (and someone might like to ask your daughter number 2 too) how she’ll feel standing at our mother’s graveside, considering the status quo. How she’ll feel if one of her own children take a similar stance towards HER later in life. Currently we are talking brick wall. But one day, and I’ll be there to tidy it all up, one day that front will come down crumbling. Let’s hope it won’t be too late (for either my mother or my sister). I take it you have noticed that my poor father doesn’t even get a look in.

      It’s shite, WWW. It’s a shamble. And that’s all there is to it. Let it not be said that where there is a hole I won’t dig. I’ll dig.

      U

      Comment by bitchontheblog — December 6, 2016 @ 04:32 | Reply

      • It’s baffling for sure dear U. Daughter #2 has no children so little understanding of maternal anguish. Niece was more a daughter to me as her mum died young but she has children so her behaviour is disturbing though she is a stranger to the truth. Bro is her father and pulled the plug on me years ago without explanation and refuses to show up at family gatherings if I’m there. They kowtow as he’s loaded.
        As I age I find it more and more like a nightmare and on advice refuse to break my head on the walls anymore.
        You are younger and have the energy.
        Good luck.
        XO
        WWW

        Comment by wisewebwoman — December 6, 2016 @ 13:47 | Reply

  5. We all talk to each other and would be there in a flash if needed but sometimes it is painful. About ten years ago I refused to speak to my brother for a number of months, we sorted that out but it taught me just how easy it would be for the grievances of a lifetime to become unmanaged.

    I’m sorry you have this to deal with, there is a special sort of pain in watching one’s beloved tear each other apart

    Comment by Kylie — December 6, 2016 @ 21:47 | Reply

  6. If two family members are persistently at loggerheads, there’s probably little you can do to reunite them. Such antagonisms have a sort of in-built momentum which is hard to stop. I was at loggerheads with my father for decades, and even when he was on his deathbed I couldn’t bring myself to make it up because I didn’t think her seriously wanted to.

    Comment by nick — December 7, 2016 @ 17:45 | Reply

    • Yes, Nick. Insert heavy sigh. Interesting point you make.

      No doubt you are right that there is little I can do to reunite them. This minute I still haven’t given up.My father still seeks an explanation (not from her) what made my youngest sister go on the warpath. My mother? My mother knows when enough is enough. There is a strength of character within her my youngest sister, so very unfortunately, doesn’t recognize in our mother.

      I am sorry about your father. Reminds me to some extent of Ramana’s experience. Did they make their peace in the end?

      it is scant comfort, Nick, yet sometimes blood isn’t as thick as we are made to believe. The best I can wish upon you that you realize that your father – whilst no doubt a disappointment to you – was only able to do what he was able to do. And some of us have little to offer. Possibly for good reason. Damaged goods and all that.

      Hug,
      U

      Comment by bitchontheblog — December 7, 2016 @ 18:23 | Reply


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