Bitch on the Blog

March 14, 2017


The other day I was forced to have my passport photo taken. I am most certainly not eye candy to the lens – as we all know some people photograph better than others, yet the question springing to mind: Why does EVERYone look like a criminal on a passport photo?

Don’t deny it. Don’t flatter yourself when lovingly gazing at your very own passport photo: You do look like a criminal. Maybe a petty thief rather than a fully blown bank robber – but still worthy of locking up for five minutes. Even the Angel does. And he photographs well. My sister does too – you could put her into a black bin liner and she’d still photograph well. A bit like David Bowie.

Completely lost my thread. That comes from writing long intros before getting to the point. I’ll get back to you once I am up to speed again.

And before I forget even more: You know WHY I look complete shite on a passport photo? Because NOW you are NOT supposed to smile any longer. My smile is my most important USP. I dare say my smile will let me off murder – even if it were in a court with the jury entirely female. I wish all future border control agents good luck. If you showed me my passport photo I’d only be able to (barely) identify myself by my eyes. The rest may go into the shredder.




  1. I agree. I look like a corpse in my passport photo, but in my more recent driver’s license photo my hair is messier but I look like a happy, vibrant old lady. It isn’t a picture of me if I’m not allowed to smile. Which is why I love smileys. 🙂

    Comment by Cheerfulmonk — March 14, 2017 @ 18:47 | Reply

  2. Ah! Well i will have to have mine done again soon… will let you know what crime I’m guilty of then.
    Mind you daughter in law nuber one says that I spoiled every wedding photo by pulling silly faces….. I just tell her that the photographer should have been more aware… he kept telling me not to smile and laugh so much… so I didn’t.

    Comment by magpie11 — March 14, 2017 @ 20:32 | Reply

    • I have watched (and read) many Agatha Christie’s Poirot and Miss Marple. Thus I know that, despite myself, I am easily confused and – whilst knowing from the outset who the culprit is (ain’t I clever) – an axe murderer I can’t spot even the moment he is about to split my skull into lesser than the sum of my brain.

      Commiserations to your daughter-in-law. I too have spoiled many a photo shoot. Not because I pull “silly faces” (that’s beyond my capabilities) but because I am a big fat Mussolini at heart. Telling everyone (including the photographer) where to stand. Ask my brother. It was his wedding. July 1990. I am so glad that most people end up too drunk to remember anything. Thus, without so much as being asked to recite a ‘mea culpa’, I escape justly being ostracized from polite society.


      Comment by bitchontheblog — March 14, 2017 @ 21:21 | Reply

  3. I got sick right at the beginning of my last 14 hour flight home from overseas. The artificially miserable look on my passport was much nearer the reality at that moment when the immigration officers had to check the resemblance.

    Comment by Looney — March 15, 2017 @ 06:24 | Reply

    • Being ill on a flight, even if just for an hour never mind fourteen, is a misfortune best avoided. Hope you are resurrected to your former good self (photo not withstanding).


      Comment by bitchontheblog — March 15, 2017 @ 06:43 | Reply

  4. I’ve just had a new photo taken for my driving licence, and sure enough, I look like an escaped convict. I think as you say it’s having to look serious and not smile that does it. Most people looking serious seem pretty grim.

    Comment by nick — March 15, 2017 @ 08:47 | Reply

    • You set me thinking, Nick. You know the real reason we all look like convicts in our passport photos? Because, and the logic of my argument is beguiling, that more often than not photos of wrongdoers published ARE their passport photos! Get it? Just shows you, doesn’t it, how sometimes it pays to look further than the immediate end of our noses.

      When I have found it I’ll post my funniest passport photo ever. I was about five – I didn’t look so much like a juvenile delinquent as thunder. totally pissed off with the world and their photographer. And, according to my mother, I was. Remember, my nickname was “Sunshine”. Let’s just say, that day was overcast.


      Comment by bitchontheblog — March 15, 2017 @ 13:11 | Reply

      • Of course, what you often see are the wrongdoers’ passport photos. That makes perfect sense!

        Comment by nick — March 16, 2017 @ 12:35 | Reply

  5. I would have been able to comment better had you inserted an image of your latest passport photograph.

    Comment by rummuser — March 15, 2017 @ 13:45 | Reply

    • One of the few occasion I’d rather you not be “able to comment”. Do I want you to fall out of love with me?


      Comment by bitchontheblog — March 16, 2017 @ 20:51 | Reply

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