Bitch on the Blog

August 10, 2017

Best foot forward

Forget all your joys and all your problems. Imagine you were a centipede, frozen trying to remember which leg to move first.




  1. Tilt! Tilt! meltdown mode…..

    Comment by Chuck McConvey — August 10, 2017 @ 15:30 | Reply

    • “Tilt! Tilt!” That, apropos of nothing, reminds me of you, motorbikes or, more precisely, my own desire (age eighteen) to ride a bike.

      You may have gathered by now that my father plays a role in my life not always appreciated by me. He has a way of pouring too much water on blossoming passions. So, naturally, he painted – no doubt hilarious to him – this picture of me, on a Harley Davidson (though I personally would have preferred a BMW – not for technical reasons, I just like BMWs) at a traffic light (say) or in the middle of nowhere with the bike lying on its side. How would I get it up again? Good question. After all I may be strong (for a woman) but, and there is no disputing it, men have the upper on arm muscle. So far, so what. I am sure there is a technique to get a heavy bike upright again. I tend to cross bridges when I come to them; and when they are impassable I just wade through underneath. On top of which, at the time, he [my father] was doing some PR work for a rehabilitation clinic. Never shy to use shock tactics he presented me with not only anecdotal evidence but actual real case scenarios and photos of motorbike accident victims. No, not the dead ones. The still alive yet paralysed ones.

      Let’s just say that his method worked in as much as I now pray (silently and when unobserved) that the Angel will forget all about his own ambition to ride a bike (according to him not necessarily in the near future but “before I am an old man”). I tell you, Chuck, I am determined to not visit the sins of my father on my son. Thus keep (more or less) sthum on the subject.


      Comment by bitchontheblog — August 12, 2017 @ 09:02 | Reply

  2. I always worry for the Milipede…

    Comment by magpie11 — August 11, 2017 @ 11:35 | Reply

    • What? You have a thousand worries? Oh, my dear Magpie, please don’t wear yourself out.


      Comment by bitchontheblog — August 12, 2017 @ 09:01 | Reply

  3. A man goes into a pet shop and asks the shop keeper for a new pet.

    “I don’t want a cat or a dog I want something different!” Specifies the man.

    The shop keeper informs him that they have some talking centipedes for £50.

    Happy with that the man buys his new pet and carefully takes it home in a match box.

    When he gets home he carefully opens the matchbox, looks down at the centipede and says:

    “hello mr centipede do you fancy going down the pub for a drink?”

    The centipede says nothing. Assuming it must be tired from the trip from the pet shop he thinks “I’ll give it half an hour then ask it again”.

    30 Mins later he again goes to the centipede and says “hello mr centipede do you fancy going down the pub for a drink?”

    Again the centipede says nothing. The man thinks to himself “ok I will give it another 30 mins and if it doesn’t talk to me then I’m taking it back!”

    30 Mins later the man goes to the centipede and says “hello mr centipede do you fancy going down the pub for a drink?”

    The Centipede replied “I heard you the first blooming time! I’m putting my shoes on!”

    Comment by rummuser — August 11, 2017 @ 13:10 | Reply

    • Thanks for the laugh, Ramana. Let’s hope his shoes were velcro not laced; even better – slip ons. Myself tending to seek the way of least resistance, maybe the centipede should adopt the Hippy lifestyle and go barefoot instead. Yes, I know, Ramana, please don’t say it: Then you’d be faced with washing a hundred feet on your return home. No wonder some of them are venomous.


      Comment by bitchontheblog — August 12, 2017 @ 09:01 | Reply

  4. The centipede doesn’t have to remember anything. Its legs surely synchronise themselves. Which is pretty remarkable when you come to think about it.

    Comment by nick — August 11, 2017 @ 16:44 | Reply

    • “Synchronise themselves”? Do show a little respect for Ramana and Chuck, please.


      Comment by bitchontheblog — August 12, 2017 @ 09:00 | Reply

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