Do you know about touchstones?
I do. They are the foundation I am built on. That’s other people.
Am pretty down in the mouth this minute. Maybe the grey which has descended over Southampton harbour. Not sure. Doesn’t matter. Might just be responding to one of Con’s echo box points – the one where he sends you off to the lunatic asylum. I wondered about Con’s echo box – a lot. Didn’t understand anything. Magpie – a better man than myself admitted to it; I just read it read it read it and then bloody reread it again. Naturally, before I could give my crappy pound worth of nothing I became That Woman. If I understand people like Conrad I certainly do not know how. At the time of reading – apart from being taken in by his lyrical prose – I had no idea he was referring to me. Maybe he wasn’t. Though there is now implication he was. It’s all rather cryptic – neither did I, until now, understand GM on and off wailing about people being blind and deaf. GM, I might be blind without my glasses but I am not deaf. I hear you despite you not saying anything.
Conrad is a mystery to me. One moment he will be writing a moving piece on his daughter’s highs and lows, the next he will stamp on me like he does on one of his dung beetles.
My education – and I really can’t let down either parents or son – prohibit that I say it and put it down in writing as I see it, the consortium, hangers on, groupies including myself. Be glad. And, oh, what you are missing. The only one who has the pleasure is myself. Written down in longhand – in pencil, to fade away with time.
So, Jean, sorry, there will be no farce. My encounter with some of this circle has not been one of the finer episodes of my life. You ask me whether I feel picked upon. I don’t know. Don’t think so. What I do feel is hurt and misunderstood. Not a tragedy. Happens. I have met a Con and a GM and wonder about myself: Am I really such a shit person? Who are THEY to JUDGE me anyway? You know what the Cons and GMs in your life do – if you took them seriously, which unfortunately I do: They try and pull the rug from under your feet. For reasons I do not understand.
Still, mustn’t be unfair. They are not alone in their assessment of me. Others of you have chimed in making me out to be some aggressive harpie. I am not. I am outspoken. Apart from a couple of blunders, not least that shit remark I made about Nick the other day – completely uncalled for, and I apologize to him – I only attack opinions, not people. It’s something that appears to be completely lost on most of you.
What’s staggering, and the group dynamics are worth studying, there do not seem to be any REDEEMING characteristics to me as far as you are concerned. NONE. I can’t go over every single comment/post whatever I have written – and I am sure a lot of them leave something to be desired. But I do put myself into every single one; and surely there must be more to me than that which is not so good.
Thing is, and it’s sad although again it doesn’t matter (after all in GM’s immortal words I can just go and find another playground) that I meant well. I always do.
Where it all started to go wrong at first, and why do none of you remember this – instead pointing a finger at me, when Conrad doubted everything about me, including my integrity. He accused me of lying, he said I might be a man (there’s your barnacle, Looney). To doubt my integrity is possibly the worst insult – to me – ever. How does Conrad get away with it?
Now he tells me I want center stage. Well, Con, let’s be honest. That’s what people do. Even GM with her sparse one liners. There is nothing wrong with it.
Anyway, mustn’t inflict myself upon you any longer. I am upset. And I have had it.
I knew blogging isn’t my medium. I only started this blog egged on by Con. A lot of stuff has been written on the pitfalls of emails and blogging if you don’t know the person writing and/or worse, if you are not in front of them: You can’t see the smile, the frown. You can’t hear the inflection. As a sender you are dependent on the good will of the recipient. In fact, to go back to GM, you are traipsing around in the dark. No more so than with people like myself who convey themselves very much via a gesture, the me standing in front of you.
Still, and believe me I do bear this in mind: Con and GM were not the only ones to take offence. Though, to use one of Jean’s phrases, I firmly believe some of you need to loosen up or – more to the point – I should just leave it. In many ways it’s a pity. I like all of you. I like Conrad. A lot. His prose is convulated most of the time but he is a good guy. Of that there is no doubt. Us rubbing each other up the wrong way was all there in the making – in an enjoyable way. Or maybe I am now ticking Con’s echo box marked “Delusional”. Don’t know. Pity it was not to be.
This blog is now fucked big time because I find it hard to be myself any longer, to write without looking over my shoulder. This blog was addressed to that small handful of you know who you are. Now it’s spoilt. This is my one last Herculean effort to blend out all those who tell me whatever it is I should or not should say. Conrad may take all this in evidence for what exactly? What were you trying to achieve, Conrad? Score brownie points for being superior? You know perfectly well that I injected some oxygen into various blogs via my comments. What is so difficult to live with it? Any circle needs different impulses. Why have a go at me – at such a fundamental personal level going right down there where I, Ursula, am? I might be harsh but I am not cruel.
You asked for a likeness, here it it is; not that recent since currently too haggard to be photographed but summing up the person I am: