Bitch on the Blog

June 7, 2018

Nerve Centre

Sometimes I wish I were given to headaches. They are a marvellous excuse to retreat from life when it gets heavy. You just lie in a darkened room. Come to think of it that’s probably why I don’t have headaches. The thought of lying in a darkened room with nothing to do not appealing to me.

My first mother’s-in-law choice of weapon to shut up her brood and her husband were sudden, if predictable, onsets of migraine. Not that I doubted her migraines. I didn’t. I have seen migraines in action, not least one of my colleagues (I was her sidekick) working in her darkened office, tears involuntarily streaming down her face with the pain of it.

Alas I am not [given to headaches]. I remember two; what’s called tension headaches, in my early twenties, in quick succession. They were amazing. My head in some sort of crushing my skull vice grip. Nearly pushing me over the edge. I’d have killed (a fly) for some morphine.

What brought on this sudden thought of headaches? Maybe my quest for eighty days in the desert. After serving life in blogland. If only I weren’t such a people person I’d love a silent retreat. But then, I suppose, being self employed, leading a nine to five solitary life, solitude which I have cherished from my earliest childhood, I engage with people more than people who are drowned in people.

Tell me about your headaches. Real, imagined, metaphorical ones. In absence of any of the above, toothache will do. Backache. Pain in the neck. Stubbed toe.  Pulled muscle. Which reminds me: Last night, bloody hell, one of my calves took it upon itself to remind me of its existence. What a cramp!

U

 

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August 27, 2017

Exotic

Ramana mentioned pineapple in his last post. I am fond of pineapple. I even have a pineapple corer. One of those concoctions you screw down the center of a whole and fresh pineapple  to come away, well, with the core. Come to think of it, so fond of fruit am I, I have a melon baller too. Employed about an hour ago. I am attached to both my serrated tomato knife and my curved grapefruit one. You may say, a knife for all occasions, not least the butcher’s one I managed to slice my finger tips off with. Don’t worry. It didn’t hurt. Yes, that sharp it was. I just bled like a pig. Unnoticed by me till my guests pointed out red running down my apron. Nothing that A&E can’t fix. In fact, in A&E, they prefer the stupidly unaware like me to the drunk unawares with broken jaws and stuff. During the early hours of Saturday and Sunday morning.

One of the questions Ramana’s questionnaire put which pain the worst you ever endured. I don’t know.  Teeth spring to mind. Last time, can’t remember now exactly when, maybe two years ago, an abscess emerged from nowhere. One moment I was fine, the next morning the Angel told me I looked like “American Dad”. If you don’t know what American Dad looks like please don’t google him. He looks like a big man with a big chin. Still, his wife loves him.

Unlike my mother – who I believe uses the excuse of headaches to get herself out of scrapes – I never ever suffer headaches. There were two – a bit like migraine – in my early twenties, diagnosed as tension headaches. If tension is like finding your skull in a vice grip then, yes, they were definitely tension headaches. Sweethearts, you haven’t lived nor given birth to your first child till you have had a tension headache. Back in the motherland a colleague of mine, wired to the tune of perfection, had migraines, on and off. She’d sit at her desk, blinds down, room darkened, tears involuntarily running down her face. whilst battling on. Our boss would send her home habitually which, as her sidekick, used to put me into rather a spot.

Other than that, and back to pineapple, my first “real” boyfriend used to make his friends his one and only masterpiece (he was a painter among the rest of all the painters in our circle; one made it big, yes LSF – longest standing friend). T’s masterpiece? Hawaii Toast. Ham and pineapple. It was divine. Thomas killed himself in his early twenties. Pineapple didn’t feature. His father was a psychologist. His mother a little absent minded.

U

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