This post is not pleasant. I am going to make an observation and don’t expect any of you to answer, if at all, truthfully.
Do you wish/have you ever wished anyone would just die? Not because you bear them ill will, just because you’d like to tick a box (make that a coffin), breathe a sigh of relief and be done with that person?
Can’t believe I am writing this but there it is.
On the whole I do find my dreams entertaining. My dreams are stories, often riddles, mostly pointers as to where I need to find my feet in waking life.
However, there is one type of what I call a “half” dream which I find disconcerting. This usually involves other people (mainly the Angel) and their wellbeing. And – please don’t laugh – the phone will ring (in my dream). The phone will ring so convincingly in my dream that I wake and reach for it. During that moment of reaching for it I wake and realize it was “just” a dream.
Bear with me. It’s not remotely amusing. It’s frightening. And I am not easily frightened, if at all.
Tonight, and I write this with my heart as heavy as only a heart can be heavy in the middle of the night, my father “phoned”. It is the call I dread. The call I will not know what to say to my father. He said my name, and then he fell silent. So we stayed silent – it’s not easy to say nothing when on the phone.
And then I woke, the phone wasn’t ringing – and I trust my mother is still alive.
In response to the question of someone contemplating motherhood one commentator left the following:
“Don’t bother, it’s a waste of time. All that effort and then one day they will just die anyway. Pointless.”
Seriously, not even Sartre can beat this for a laugh.
Take it from this mother: The joy outweighs the certainty.